A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five bucks you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to …
A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan. “When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, …
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught …
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?”, the priest asked. “They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?’” “That’s terrible!”, …
The question was raised: “If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?” I have considered this question in light of the principles of Modern Physics and offer my thesis, dedicated to my wife, who anchors me in reality. In the year 1900 Max Planck discovered …
One day, two neighbors were having lunch at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first one said to the other, “Think we otta’ help?” “Yep,” said the other …
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God… “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the …
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Damn.” What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call …
Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word “Pants” A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. You are unwise to lower your pants. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or …
You may be a High Tech Redneck if…. (Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) you have old computers up on blocks in the front yard. your e-mail address ends in “over.yonder.com.” you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.” the bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop.” your …
