A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party without her and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go …
In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. “It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a …
Continue reading ‘Microsoft Responds to Government Pressure’ »
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the “Hacker Barbie.” These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged. This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie’s very own xterminal and UNIX documentation …
To: Employees From: Management In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from the employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our new program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel …
And it came to pass after these things that G-d did test Avraham. And He said to him “Avraham!” And Avraham replied “Hineni – here I am.” And He said, “Take your computer, your old computer, your 286, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 95, which I will show …
Continue reading ‘A more modern version of the binding of Isaac’ »
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems …
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In …
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next …
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours …
What Are You Thinking? by John Scalzi The question this time, from the men’s side of the table: what should you do when the women you’re with asks you: “What are you thinking?” Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate …
