I haven’t received any junk mail from Kroger’s lately. I’m fairly certain that they haven’t sent me anything in 1999! In fact the only junk mail I get regularly are from companies that buy my name from APCC, the power protection people. APCC has not responded to my email requests that they not sell my …
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught …
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?”, the priest asked. “They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?’” “That’s terrible!”, …
The question was raised: “If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?” I have considered this question in light of the principles of Modern Physics and offer my thesis, dedicated to my wife, who anchors me in reality. In the year 1900 Max Planck discovered …
One day, two neighbors were having lunch at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first one said to the other, “Think we otta’ help?” “Yep,” said the other …
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God… “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the …
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Damn.” What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call …
Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word “Pants” A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. You are unwise to lower your pants. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or …
You may be a High Tech Redneck if…. (Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) you have old computers up on blocks in the front yard. your e-mail address ends in “over.yonder.com.” you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.” the bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop.” your …
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband asks, “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. …
