PROGRESS REPORT: PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following notes have been assembled as to progress to date. They are confidential information and shared here for your perusal.
To date, of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities to serve our congregation in the office of Senior Pastor.
The following list contains the names of the candidates and findings on each.
NOAH: He is observed to have 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
MOSES: It is believed that he committed murder. He stutters. His former congregation reported that he loses his temper over trivial things.
ABRAHAM: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
DAVID: He is of unacceptable moral character with adultery on his record. There is an allegation of conspiracy to commit murder but this is unproven. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen.’
SOLOMON: He has an honorable reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
ELIJAH: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
HOSEA: His family life is in shambles; divorced and remarried to a practitioner of a pagan religion who may even be a prostitute.
JEREMIAH: He is too emotional, an alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck.’
AMOS: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper due to his non-standard food requirements.
PETER: Has a bad temper and is believed to have denied Christ publicly, maybe more than once.
PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible and his sermons are far too long.
TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Pastoral Search Committee chairman