Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar

Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.

Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.

Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.

Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.

Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.

Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.

Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.

Dec. 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.

Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.

Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26 Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31 Gild lilies.

Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:29:33 -0500