You Know You’re A Redneck If

You Know You’re A Redneck If:

  • You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos.”
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  • You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  • You’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
  • Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  • You ever got too drunk to fish.
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
  • You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
  • Directions to your house include, “Turn off the paved road.”
  • The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • You’re considered an expert on wormbeds.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

But wait… there’s more!

  • Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
  • “Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit.
  • You learned to drive in a monster truck.
  • You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
  • Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
  • You believe books are bad luck.
  • You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
  • You believe all-star wrestling.
  • The smell of catfish bait makes you feel romantic.
  • You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
  • You think a “thesaurus” was a dinosaur.
  • You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
  • If rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you “bring your own.”

Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 14:24:28 -0400