You know you live in DC when

  • Your blood pressure skyrockets when tourists are standing immobile on the left side of the escalator.
  • You would rather suffer heatstroke than drink the city water.
  • You never refer to your boss by their name, just as their title preceded by “the” (The Secretary, The Senator, The Partner)
  • You find yourself saying “but it’s only $1.5 billion.”
  • People just call the city “D.C.”
  • The government closes schools because there is a 40%CHANCE of snow
  • Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow last year “THE GREAT BLIZZARD”.
  • All the people on the city board know the mayor from their time in Lorton Prison together.
  • There are 15 main ways out of the city onto the highway but no signs to say where these are.
  • Drivers pick up strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the HOV lanes during rush hour.
  • You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it’s for “one hour only”.
  • The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building.
  • People give different directions to get to the same destination depending on the day you are going there.
  • The weatherman declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
  • Diplomatic license plates bring on anxiety attacks.
  • The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper and you don’t even have a baby.
  • You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
  • You race for the elevator in the metro.
  • You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor’s window 4 feet away.
  • Nobody you know actually makes anything.
  • Most of your friends want to become “independent consultants” (or have).
  • All of your friends are either: Lawyers, Computer People, Work for some gov’t abbreviation (i.e. IRS, DOD, DOI,etc..), work “for the Pentagon” or “on the Hill” or “for the White House”, (i.e. they work for a location, not a person).
  • Knowing somebody that can get you into an embassy, the White House, or congressional party is a status symbol.
  • People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
  • When you ask someone what they do for a living they respond “I would tell you but I’d have to kill you”. And they are serious.
  • When you hit a softball and it bounces off the Washington Monument, it isn’t vandalism, it’s a ground rule double.
  • No one you know is actually from there.
  • You think $8 is pretty reasonable for a beer.
  • You get dressed up to go to the Social Safeway for your groceries.
  • The fact that the Metro stops running at midnight means you have to rush out of the office to catch the last train home.

Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 17:28:40 -0400