What Do Babies Think?

Look Who’s Thinking – What Do Babies think? [From “The Dad Zone: Reports from the Tender, Bewildering, and Hilarious World of Fatherhood”, by Michael Burkett (Simon & Schuster, 1993)]

Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.

Despite the potential “brain drain” risks reported in a recent Newsweek covers story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed my seven-month-old daughter to undergo a “head read,” conducted in her natural environment. Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire… Nope. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly…

Whoooops! Hey! I’m flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! I’m flying into… Oh, no!

My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN! NOT THE…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Uh-oh. There’s that rumbling noise. Maybe it’s a false alarm… Nope! It’s a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive…

EEEYOW! Where you been keepin’ those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next time, how about chippin’ the ice off ’em first?

Hey! I’m flyin’ again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into…my crib? No! No! I’m not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn’t have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! There’s Dad? He’ll bust me outta this joint!… Hey, Dad, where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It worked. What a sucker.

Hiya, Dad. You know, you’d be a pretty good-lookin’ guy if you didn’t have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip… Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands… Okay! Okay! I’ll just yank out one hair at a time… Sheesh.

What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp fingernails into your face?…

WHOOOOPS! I’m flyin’ again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hmmmm. I’m famished, and this mystery food ain’t helping. Time to ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What’s on the menu tonight, Mom? … Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol’ honkin’ spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!

Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It’s great. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh?

Hey! Where’d the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I don’t want no stinkin’ bottle. Here, I’ll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See?

What are you doin’? Don’t pick it up and give it back to me! Obviously, you’re confused, so let’s go over it one more time. When I throw my bottle THUSLY, it means “Ixnay on the ottlebay.” Got that? In otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained…

Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin’ back to the living room floor! Well, it’s about time! Let’s see. What was I doing before all those rude interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now, where’s that wire?…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 11:21:45 -0500