Southern Microsoft

The Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in the South.

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 95.

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty longneck beer bottle.

3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered by a Hefty bag.

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Ahh-right” or “Naw.”

5. Instead of “Ta-Da!”, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

6. The Recycle Bin in “Winders 95” would be an outhouse.

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling “Freebird!”

8. Instead of “Start Me Up,” the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.

9. PowerPoint would be named “ParPawnt.”

10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be “Vishul Basic” and “Vishul C++.”

11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate flag.

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.

13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.

14. New Shutdown WAV: “Y’all come back now, ya hear!”

15. Microsoft’s directors would all be called “Cuz.”

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from one of the 4 junked Trans Am’s parked in the front yard.

17. Microsoft Office would be replaced with Micr’sawft Henhouse.

18. Four Words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

19. “Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Bill’s a billionaire.”

20. Spreadsheet software tutorials would include inventory examples of junked cars in your yard and hunting dogs sleeping under your porch.

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

23. RedMan plug ‘n’ play interface.

24. The company could still use Ky-row as code name for the next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that.

25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager.

26. Instructions for use would include “mash the control key real hard.”