Sex for the Computer Literate

(If you follow all of this perfectly well, then you should feel like a real geek. I know I do… 🙂 )

A detailed explanation of sex for the computer literate and real life illiterate.

Think of sex as a new protocol developed for real world communication and interaction between members of the opposite sex, much as TCP/IP allows all makes and models of computers to communicate and interface.

In this example, let’s represent the woman as a Windows 95 computer. A bit flighty, fun to look at, and occasionally does something useful. In the same way, the man will be represented as a DOS box. Not impressive looking, rough around the edges, but it can get the job done as long as you’re patient.

Let’s say the DOS box wants to interface with the 95 unit. In this case, the 2 units are in a crowded hash bar, represented as a busy token ring.

The DOS box attempts to open communication with a simple SMPT style message, in this case, HELO. The Win95 box generates a random number via an unknown internal process, and in some instances, responds with a similar HELO message. At other times, the 95 machine fails to respond at all, either due to the initial HELO message being lost in the network traffic, or to internal conflicts in the 95 computer. In this case, let’s assume the initial message was recieved and responded to.

The next step is a simple handshake in order to verify the connection, and to exchange hostnames and the real world version of IP addresses, known as phone numbers. These IP addresses allow later connections to be established quickly.

At this point, the two computers exchange lengthy information about themselves. In our example, the DOS box has very little system information to disclose, while the Win95 box has a lengthy list of system and environment information. So our example would consist of lengthy information from the Win95 system to the DOS system. The Win95 system will occasionally pause to inquire about system information from the DOS box. These inquiries also serve as keepalive messages, to ensure that the constant influx of information has not overflowed the limited memory of the DOS box and caused it to time out. The DOS box will then respond with a brief message, at which point, the Win95 box is free to continue it’s data transmission. It is important to note that the DOS box must have a large amount of storage, as it will be expected to recall the transmitted information at a moment’s notice, with no errors. Any errors will cause an abrupt end to communication for a period ranging from 1 hour to forever.

Let’s assume that the initial handshaking and system information exchange proceed without incident, and no packet collisions
(arguments) occur. The next step is a physical interface between the two computers. Usually, this is initiated by the DOS box.

The initial connection is known as a SMOOCH. (Simple Male Offering Of Carnal Happyness)

Assuming the connection is accepted, it will be returned many times by the Win95 box, to ensure that this critical signal is acknowledged. If it is not accepted, the 95 box will respond with a SLAP. (Stop Licking And Petting)

In the case of a SLAP message, the connection is abruptly closed. Permanently.

In the case of a returned SMOOCH message, the two systems must be relocated to a private peer to peer network, where more secured communication will take place.

The first step is the removal of all encumbering software in order to ensure more fluid communication. The two systems then merge. There are several steps to this.

First, because both systems have been communicating freely for a while, appropriate anti-virus software must be used to ensure no infection of the opposite system. Once this software is installed, the Win95 box mounts the DOS box’s hard disk read-write. A high flow of data occurs, until the DOS box’s buffers overflow, and the connection is terminated. (Note: The DOS box’s buffer will not overflow as quickly if the speed of reading and writing is reduced. This allows a more prolonged communication.)

Finally, the Win95 box unmounts. For some reason, the DOS box’s hard disk has transformed into a floppy at this point. We are still researching this phenomenon. Perhaps more robust systems will be able to maintain the hard disk status, but for now, this is beyond our reach.