“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” –Ellen DeGeneres

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” –A. Whitney Brown

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ” –Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.” –Jeff Stilson

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
–Sue Murphy

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?” –Rita Rudner

“You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.” –Jay Mohr

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

“What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?” –Marilyn Pittman

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?” –Lily Tomlin

“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?” –Robin Williams

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” –Richard Jeni