New Disney Animated Feature: The Branch Dividians!

Inside Sources at Disney’s amination studios have revealed that the next big animated release will be based on the story of the Branch Davidians. More properly known as “Students of the Seven Seals,” these wacky cultists laugh and joke their way through a fired-up full-length feature, gaining converts and plotting to take over the world before Armageddon makes it a moot point.

The film will feature the voices of:

  • Isaac Hanson as the Young David Koresh
  • Charlton Heston as “Bernie the Burning Bush,” a combustible shrub with a firey wit.
  • Noah Wiley as the misunderstood adult Cult Leader David Koresh.
  • Kate and Ashley Olsen as his twin twelve-year old brides.
  • David Spade as the hilarious Janet Reno
  • The late Chris Farley as her sidekick Richard M. Rogers, the FBI Hostage Rescue Team Commander also known for his side-splitting hijinks at Ruby Ridge.

Original score by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers includes some Oscar-nomination shoe-ins like:

  • “Oh, I Just Can’t Wait to be Christ!” (sung by the young David Koresh)
  • “There’s a Wacko Down in Waco” (sung by Janet and Richard)
  • “Get Down in the Bunker, Get Down!” (sung by the whole zany cast)
  • “You Are All My Children!” (sentimental ballad sung by the adult David with the Mormon Tabernacle Girls’ Choir filling in as the voices of the children)
  • “The End of the World Rag” (a hopping ragtime ramble sure to get your toddler to scream for the rewind button- again and again and again…)

As usual, Disney has chosen to “soften” the story somewhat. After the Evil Janet Reno, played to a tee by sarcastic comic David Spader, plots to wipe out the peace loving new Messiah and his pack of fun-loving friends, Bernie the Burning Bush warns David Koresh and he and his faithful followers rise again after the third scene to get the last laugh on Janet and Richard when Armageddon comes along and casts them into a burning lake of fire. Loads of fun for the whole family. Look for a Christmas release in the year 2000- if the world doesn’t come to an end first!