Obviously, don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie.
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP – MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP – BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren’t selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont’d) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.
JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP – MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You’ve gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN I’m so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I’m Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, I’m whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don’t help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE – SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I’m cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD I’m the only one disturbed by the fact that I’m gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.
JAKE’S MOM No, I won’t allow him to pod race. He’ll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There’s a video game of this scene… uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I’ll do it even more in episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn’t this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I’m just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT – JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.
YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I’m training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I’ll fuckin’ kill you! I’m gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON I’m going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID Damn I’m evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn’t that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don’t care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don’t care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone’s ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont’d) Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM’S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I’m in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I’m so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont’d) Uh oh! I better leave! Let’s leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it’s always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I’d make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood’s commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!