21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons

  • Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
  • See if a yawn really is contagious
  • Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
  • Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
  • Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B’ and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
  • Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front
  • Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
  • Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
  • Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
  • If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
  • Pretend to be 4 years old
  • Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
  • By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
  • Try to raise one eyebrow
  • Crack your knuckles
  • Think about your chin for an entire minute
  • Twiddle your thumbs
  • Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
  • Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
  • Practice smiling insincerely