Oy, Come All Ye Faithful
Oy, Come All Ye Faithful
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 14:16:56 -0500
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not
available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12
days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the
new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-
leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened
there," the message on the dreidl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In
fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300
years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last
year when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy
about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeoverof Kwanzaa
might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not
for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and
Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
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