Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells
him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!”

right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

over by a policeman.

lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner”.

contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus…breathe….push….”

socks.

to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M’s.

game.

resting to make a purchase.

writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician”.

space: if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

marriage, and children. See also “tranquilizers”.

of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we
don’t do laundry right now!”

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
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The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button…”.

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself “poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too frigid”.

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
———
The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, “What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying “you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”. Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
——–
The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks,” What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”

The man sourly replies “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.”

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
——–
The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Joe can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”

The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

ANN LANDERS

Creators Syndicate Inc.
Friday, November 27, 1998

Dear Ann:

I am one of the millions of women who laughed out loud when I read the letter from “Bob in Worcester, Mass.” He insisted that no woman could fake an orgasm. The reason I thought this was so funny was because although I can fool my husband, I can’t fool our dog.

We have this yappy little mutt who runs barking into our bedroom every time this particular event occurs. Even if he’s in the basement sleeping, he will charge up the stairs with amazing speed, and his timing is impeccable. A couple of times, I tried faking it to see if the dog would bark, but there was no response whatsoever from the mutt.

The other night, my husband and I were trying to be exceptionally quiet because a guest was asleep in the next room. Suddenly, right you-know-when. We are at a total loss to figure this out. Can you?

Can’t Fool the Dog in Utah

I wouldn’t even try. I’ve heard of people with ESP, but a mutt?