You Might Be An Engineer If… (new material included)

You might be an engineer if… (new material included)

  • The only jokes you receive are through email
  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
  • Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
  • The Salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
  • You are always late to meetings.
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
  • You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!).
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
  • You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
  • You have never backed up your hard drive.
  • You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
  • You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • You know what http:// stands for.
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  • You see a good design and still have to change it.
  • You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
  • You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
  • You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa).
  • You window shop at Radio Shack.
  • You’re in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
  • Your checkbook always balances.
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
  • Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
  • Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz Pentium. – Note: They must have meant Pentuim II 😉
  • You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
  • You’ve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
  • Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat 3.Sugar, 4. Chocolate

Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 13:38:29 -0500

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds… “But they’re twins; if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Cupholder

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Gender Jokes

WOMEN JOKES ABOUT MEN

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A Widow

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I can do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped = or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

*********************************************************************=

THE MEN FIRE BACK…..

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%… WEDDING CAKE!!

Contributions Anyone???

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon was stuck in a traffic jam on Interstate 95, and he thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s moving.”

The man noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the problem?”

The officer replied, “President Clinton just found out Ken Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he’s all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway, and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”

“Oh, really!” the man said. “How much have you collected so far?”

And the policeman answered, “Well, folks are still siphoning — but right now I’d say about 300 gallons.”

Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 13:19:32 -0500

Rude Parrot

This guy buys a parrot that is already about a year or two old. It can talk, but only knows curse words. He cusses all the time and when he is not cussing, he is rude. The guy tries to change the parrot’s attitude. He plays soft music and talks very nice to the bird — but the bird just gets worse. The guy gets desperate and he yells at the bird — the bird gets even worse and begins cussing at him. The guy grabbs the bird and starts shaking him. So the bird starts cussing more and biting. Out of total desperation the guy grabs his freezer door and throws the parrot in the freezer. He can hear the parrot in there flailing about and cussing up a storm. All of a sudden it becomes dead quiet. The guy thinks, “Oh my gosh, I’ve killed him!” He opens the freezer door and the bird steps out onto the guy’s arm. The bird says, “I am sorry if I have caused you desperation in the past, but I will try to change my disposition in the future and only speak kindly to you.” The guy is absolutely dumbfound! He is about to ask the bird what caused his change of heart when the bird says: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

NBA Plea for Help

Tim & Andy’s NBA Plea for Help

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day, less than the cost of a large screen projection TV, you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, but it’s a start.

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

How will you know you are helping?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.

How will he know I’m helping?

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home twice a month just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Please call 1-900-TOO-MUCH. For an extra $50, you’ll receive a magnetized of the player you sponsor that you can slap up on your refrigerator.

That’s 1-900-TOO-MUCH. Thank you.

Have Yourself a Microsoft Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclause@toyshop.northpole.com –

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way –

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas only runs on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist –
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The “SANTALITE” owned by that Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bell sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates,
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in a voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

Cyberholic Carol

(sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit Clicking,
Unaware time is ticking.
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week!
Happily addicted to the web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, “Yo, Man!”
Don’t you know tonight’s the Senior Prom?”
With a Listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I’ve just discovered Letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes.
Who cares if some day
They drag me away?
I’m Happily addicted to the Web!”