SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name: _________________________________________
Address: ______________________________________
Gang Affiliations: ____________________________
Stage name: ___________________________________
Agent: ________________________________________
Attorney: _____________________________________

Sex:
[ ] male
[ ] formerly male
[ ] both
[ ] female
[ ] formerly female
[ ] sometimes

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please list: Brand of cell phone: ________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers:
[ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men:
Please list shade of hairplugs: ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times you:
a) expect to shoot at other drivers: ________
b) expect to be shot at while driving: ________

Please indicate if you drive:
a) a Beemer,
b) a Lexus,
c) a Mercedes,
d) a Cabriolet.
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax.
e) If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more.

Sample Exam Questions:

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central resident).

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are waiting for the cockpit crew to get underway. A mummur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.

The pilot, however, is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers, there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

A few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them, the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts to taxi out to the runway. The passengers begin to look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts to accelerate more rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the plane has less than a few seconds of runway left, shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once. Just at the very last moment possible, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, the pilot breaths a sigh of relief and turned to the captain and says, “You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all going to get killed.”