DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
*ahem* La la la la…. *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO…… the stuff… that buys me beer…
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…
ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,
FAR….. a long way to get beer…
SO…… I’ll have another beer…
LA…… I’ll have another beer…
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…
That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty glass)
D’OH!
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WAR OFFICE
Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can’t believe his eyes, it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla’s cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla’s cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.
He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can’t be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.
The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man’s horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.
The boat leaves and the man thinks he’s safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they’re due back in port he’s walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can’t make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it’s the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won’t take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind
him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he’s ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees
the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says…
“Tag, you’re it”.
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – Not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule # 12
Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
To whom it may concern:
While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
PS: MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER TODAY.
KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5… FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF
HIM.
REGARDS
Sd/-
Branch Manager
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow…..
What did you think that I was referring to?
Inside Sources at Disney’s amination studios have revealed that the next big animated release will be based on the story of the Branch Davidians. More properly known as “Students of the Seven Seals,” these wacky cultists laugh and joke their way through a fired-up full-length feature, gaining converts and plotting to take over the world before Armageddon makes it a moot point.
The film will feature the voices of:
Original score by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers includes some Oscar-nomination shoe-ins like:
As usual, Disney has chosen to “soften” the story somewhat. After the Evil Janet Reno, played to a tee by sarcastic comic David Spader, plots to wipe out the peace loving new Messiah and his pack of fun-loving friends, Bernie the Burning Bush warns David Koresh and he and his faithful followers rise again after the third scene to get the last laugh on Janet and Richard when Armageddon comes along and casts them into a burning lake of fire. Loads of fun for the whole family. Look for a Christmas release in the year 2000- if the world doesn’t come to an end first!
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer–you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake–he should never have gotten down there; send him
back up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God replies “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the
ladies room.”
