I Will Catch You…

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he’d plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, “Help me!” But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, “Is anybody up there?”

A deep voice replied, “Yes, I’m up here.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s the Lord”

“Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can help.”

“Help me!”

“Let go.”

Looking around the man became full of panic. “What?!?!”

“Let go. I will catch you.”

“Is anybody else up there?”

Blonde airline stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Date: Fri, 20 Feb 1998 12:13:59 -0500

The Golf Match

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.

“Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “We’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres….we can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed
to play.

The day after the match, “Cardinal Nicklaus” reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match. “I came in second, your holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second!?” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??”

“No,” Nicklaus said, “second to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

Technology for TEXANS

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it’s blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C’Mon in y’all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

The Phone

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.

The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.

“It’s my direct line to the Lord,” answers the Pope.

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices.

The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy
discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my
phone charges.”

The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks with the cardinal in
charge of the phone and says “The charges were 100,000 Lire.”

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official return visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers he sees a phone
identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires
divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, The Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

The Rabbi says: “1 Shekel 50.”

The Pope looks surprised: “Why so cheap?”

The Rabbi smiles: “Local call.”

End of the Arms Race

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ‘We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

New Car

This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes and as luck would have it, he pulled up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said,” You got a phone in yours?”

“Yes, I’ve got a phone!”

“You got a TV?”

“Yes, I’ve got a TV!”

“You got a bed in yours?”

“A bed? No,” (dejectedly).

The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don’t come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they’d figure out a way. The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he has a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He
starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, “What do you want?”

He says, “I got a bed in my car!

“The guy replies, “You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?”

Friends

It all started so innocently. We met as strangers, thrown together by fate. Some of you grow up with me, others I have only known a short while. Some of you I have hugged constantly over the years, and others I met at a time when hugging was ‘un-cool’, and it has stayed that way, though the times have changed around us. Some of you I have not yet met in person. Every one of you has enriched my life. You have helped to teach me, to guide me on this often turning and forking road of life. You have been with me through the good times and the bad. You have comforted me when I cried, held me when I was afraid, and laughed with me when I was happy. And now we are in college. And though the distance between us is not great, it is great enough. I am no longer afraid to reach out and hug you, in fact I long to do it.

You had walked with me for so long that I was afraid to venture on alone. Yet even as I feared the dark of night, along came others to help me on my journey, in hopes that I would walk with them so they need not journey on alone. They picked up where you left off, and now they are no longer strangers. Who are you? You might be my brother, my sister, my cousin, an old aquanitnce or a new one. But first and foremost, I call you friend. And I miss you if you are away, and if you are here, then I thank you for standing by my side. And so I send you this, so that you might know that someone, somewhere, is thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you. And that person is me. May God grant you peace and happiness in your times of trial, and watch over you, so that one day we will meet again.

It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends…

Friendship is a strange thing….we find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives…things we don’t even share with our families who raised us…But what is a friend? A confidant? A lover? A fellow email junkie? A shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to feel?…A friend is all these things…and more….Whether we met IRL, over The World, over Resort, or SE, or anywhere…I call you friend. A word so small…yet so large in feeling…a word filled with emotion. It is true great things come in small packages. Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed…it is a constant book always written…waiting to be read…and enjoyed. We may have our disagreements…we may argue…we may concern one another…friendship is a unique bond that lasts through it all…………A part of me is put into my friends…some it is my humor…some it is my listening ear…some it is real life experiences…. some it is my romanticism…but with all, it is friendship………………Friendships forged are a construct stronger than steel….built as a foundation….necessary for life…and necessary for love. Friends…you and me….you brought another friend…and then there were 3…….we started our group….Our circle of friends……..and like that circle…there is no beginning or end……..

Keep this going….Email all your friends this message….email all those friends you never met….those you have…and those you’ve lost along the way….

10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS

  1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
  3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  5. You are using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, “How’s my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
  6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
  7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
  8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
  9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
  10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A Valentines Day Test For The Guys

VALENTINES DAY EVALUATION
– Submitted by J. Loloer

OK, we all know that Valentines Day is just a few days away, and people are frantic making sure they buy the right presents or make the right reservations. (and those of you without dates should take pleasure in the trauma setting upon those who do)

Let’s face it guys. The gals are usually on the ball and we guys are the forgetful ones. So Let’s evaluate how the men do – not just on Valentines Day but throughout the year.

VALENTINES SCORING – HERE’S HOW THE SCORING WORKS

1) SIMPLE DUTIES-
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn’t even go to college: -10
And it’s not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY-
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He’s crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She’s not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10

BONUS: You forward her funny e-mails with love notes attached: +100