Choo! Choo!

One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we’re leaving.”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come back down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.”

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Santa’s Flight Test

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Date: Fri, 6 Mar 1998 18:12:42 -0500

Captured by Cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals. When they meet the chief of the tribe, he tells them “Look, you’re going to die anyway. But you have a choice. You can die with honor if you wish. But if you do not die an honorable death, we’ll turn your hides into canoes.”

So the Frenchman steps up and yells, “Hand me a sword!”. He takes the sword into his hand, raises it into the air, shouts out “Vive Le France!”, and plunges the sword through his gut. The chief nods as he sees this as very honorable.

The Englishman steps up next and yells, “Hand me a pistol!”. He takes the pistol into his hand, raises it to his head, and shouts out, “God save the Queen!”, and pulls the trigger. Another honorable death, nods the chief.

So the American steps up and yells, “Hand me a fork!”. The cannibals look confused, but they get him a fork. The American holds the fork up, and starts stabbing wildly at his body, yelling “Screw your canoe!”

Visit to Rome

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?”

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

“ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” the man replies.

“TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?”

The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.”

“That DUMP?!” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?”

The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”

“HA! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!”

“No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.”

“No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!”

“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?”

“Oh, not much really. Just ‘Where’d you get that awful haircut?'”

Separated by a Common Language

Women’s English

  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Yes
  3. Maybe = No
  4. I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
  5. We need = I want
  6. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  7. Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
  8. We need to talk = I need to complain
  9. Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.
  10. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
  11. You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  12. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  14. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  15. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
  16. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  17. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  18. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
  19. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
  20. I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
  21. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
  22. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
  23. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
  24. Was that the baby?= Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
  25. I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
  26. The answer to “What’s wrong?”:
    1. The same old thing = Nothing
    2. Nothing = Everything
    3. Everything = My PMS is acting up
    4. Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an jerk.

Men’s English

  1. “I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.
  2. “I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.
  3. “I’m tired.” = I’m tired.
  4. “Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
  5. “Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
  6. “Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
  7. “May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
  8. “Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
  9. “You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.
  10. “What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
  11. “What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  12. “What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  13. “I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?
  14. “I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.
  15. “I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
  16. “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.
  17. “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
  18. “Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
  19. “Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  20. (while shopping) “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

Confession

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During W.W.II I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”

“But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln’s cry. “Kemosabe… Apache to East!” he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. “What do we do?”

Tonto pondered a moment. “We ride West!”

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. “Kemosabe… Apache to West!”

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. “What should we do?”

Tonto scratched his head in thought. “We ride North!”

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. “Kemosabe… Apache to North!”

“What do we do now?” his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, “We ride South!”

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. “Kemosabe… Apache to South!”

Worried, the Lone One asked him, “NOW what do we do?”

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. “What do you mean “WE”, White Man?”

Preacher Buys A Donkey

A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured that since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races.

The next day the donkey came in third place. The following day in the racing form, the headlines appeared: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day’s race. This time the donkey won. The racing form read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in anymore races. The next headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. The following day the paper read: NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nuns to get rid of the animal, so they sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

Unfortunately, this was too much for the poor Bishop’s heart, and they buried him the very next day. That day’s paper read: TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP’S DEATH

I’m Tired

I’m tired. For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading this.

The Haircut

Women’s version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Men’s version:

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.