Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues, “he announced to them, “I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged
a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,”said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “You want to do it again?”

And he replied, “Yes, very much. But this time lets switch positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll poop on its head.”

Red Handed

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

Judge: “Proceed.”

Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”

Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

Dirty Joke About a Chinese Couple

A Chinese couple get married … and she’s a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I
assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?”

“I want number 69” she replies.

“You want beef with broccoli?”

Two Lawyers On A Deserted Island

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them for miles and miles but water. They’ve been stranded here for quite some time, so they’ve gotten quite bored with one another. One of the lawyers tells the other he’s going to climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming. The other lawyer tells him he’s crazy and that he’s just wasting his time and won’t see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.

He’s up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, “Wow! I can’t believe my eyes! I don’t believe this is true!”

So the lawyer on the ground says, “What do you see? I think you’re hallucinating and you should come down right now.” So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he
saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost his mind.

But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers go over to where she is, and one says to the other, “Well, you know it’s been a long time…do you think we should screw her?”

The other lawyer responds, “Out of what?”

Drivers Permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

Green Eggs and Hamlet

I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle’s boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there’s the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration –
For I’m the king of procrastination.

At the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

A Non-Joke: Clinton and Starr

We’ve heard Clinton’s earlier remarks regarding lying to the American public.

Here’s your right to know the following . . .

(check date and source)

“Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public’s ‘right to know.’ Pornography is pornography, regardless of the source.”

-Kenneth Starr, 1987, with Dianne Sawyer

Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 18:16:06 -0400