Brain Transplant

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it`s inoperable – in fact, it`s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there`s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 13:10:28 -0500

Hungry Lion

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 13:16:15 -0500

ATM

Male vs. Female at the ATM

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Open Season – Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers down Hwy 82 (El Camino Real NW of San Jose ) stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling to San Jose. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the El Camino Real.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over Hwy 82. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.” “Well, sure.” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em.”

If Men Were In Charge of Weddings

There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner”.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ’73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man”.

There would be “Tailgate Receptions”.

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that “Veil Routine”. But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follow…

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol’ ball and chain…

He’s getting married.

He either:
A) knocked her up,
B) couldn’t get a different roommate, or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday’s Game.

Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah… B.Y.O.B.

Children’s Sermon

A pastor was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children’s church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children nodded eagerly.

“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…” No hands went up. “And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)…” The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. “And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…”

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. “Well…,” said the boy, “I *know* the answer must be Jesus…but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!”

New Rest Room Use Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
DATE: SEPTEMBER 7, 1998
RE: REST ROOM USE POLICY

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines. Effective at the beginning of next month, a rest room trip policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee rest room time and insuring equal treatment to all employees.

Under the policy, a “rest room trip bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) rest room credits. these credits may be accumulated.

Within two weeks, the entrance door to all rest rooms will be equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the first month. Employees should aquaint themselves with the station during this period.

If the employees rest room trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all rest rooms stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will automaticallybe taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board. Anyone’s picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy please contact your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

How Graduate Students And Faculty Miscommunicate

The following list on the ways graduate students and faculty miscommunicate by Roderick M. Kramer and Joanne Martin, both professors at Stanford University, rings all too true, at least from my experience. How about you?

HOW GRADUATE STUDENTS AND FACULTY MISCOMMUNICATE

By Roderick M. Kramer and Joanne Martin*

What Faculty Say/what Faculty Really Mean

  • I understand why this is late./No I don’t
  • Take your time./Do it now.
  • Call me if you have any questions./Try to find me.
  • The ideas are good./The methods stink.
  • Interesting methods./The ideas stink.
  • The results are interesting./The theory is terrible.
  • This is a good first draft./This really needs a lot of work.
  • You might want to do a literature search./This study was done about 100 years ago.
  • I’m looking forward to reading this latest draft of you dissertation./How many is that anyhow?
  • This is really a nice piece of independent, scholarly work./Gee, I wish I were a coauthor.
  • I could use your help analyzing these data./I can’t make heads or tails out of this mess.
  • I think we are getting close to a final draft./You’ve got a long way to go.
  • You might want to think through some of the implications./Why haven’t you done so?
  • I’m glad you brought me up to date on your dissertation./Where have you been since last September?
  • That’s a reasonable interpretation of these data./It’s a lot better than mine.

What Students Say/what Students Really Mean

  • Here’s my draft; it’s still a little rough./I wrote it last night.
    *Do you happen to know anything about this topic?/Give me the citations so I don’t have to do a literature search.
  • What do you think of the theory?/The results stink.
  • What do you think of the data?/The theory stinks.
  • That’s a good point that I didn’t think of./I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  • That’s a REALLY good point./You have no idea what I’m talking about.
  • These are really good suggestions./What a pain.
    *The I transformed the data using acceptable multivariate techniques./I go rid of the outliner.
  • Support for the main hypotheses was week./Support was nonexistent.
  • I misunderstood your comment./I thought we agreed on this.
  • I guess I didn’t reason that way./If you think it through, it doesn’t make sense.
  • I guess I wasn’t clear about ./Didn’t you read it?
  • If you sign off so I can just file it, I’ll make the changes right away./See you same time next year.

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

One for you and One for Me

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 13:38:27 -0500