The Mortician

A Chapel Hill area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Tarheel fight song come out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.

“Sir, you’ve got to come down and help me, I’ve just seen something I can’t believe.”

Annoyed by the naivet’ of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. “There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn’t imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it.”

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the North Carolina fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: “What’s so surprising about that. I’ve heard thousands of assholes sing that song.”

Prayer For Office Workers

Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to Change the things I cannot accept,
And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

Wishful Thinking About Why It’s Great To Be a Guy

Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about cars, tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight

When clicking thru the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying

You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere

You can go to the bathroom alone

Your last name stays put

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own food

The garage tool bench is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”

You never have to clean the toilet

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

You don’t have to shave below your neck

You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

If you’re 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don’t give a flip if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking “He must be mad at me”

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him

Same work……..more pay

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks

You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back

You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s

If you retain water, it is in a canteen

The remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom

If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet

Technology for Country Folk

Log On:
Making a wood stove hotter.
Log Off:
Don’t add no more wood.
Monitor:
Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
Download:
Gettin’ the farwood off the truk.
Mega Hertz:
When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood.
Floppy Disc:
Whutcha git from tryin’ ta carry too much farwood.
Ram:
That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
Hard Drive:
Gettin’ home in the winter time.
Prompt:
Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
Windows:
Whut to shut when it’s cold outside.
Sscreen:
Whut to shut when it’s blak fly season.
Byte:
Whut dem dang flys do.
Chip:
Munchies fer the TV.
Micro Chip:
Whut’s in the munchie bag.
Modem:
Whacha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:
Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
Lap top:
Whar the kitty sleeps.
Keyboard:
Whar ya hang the keys.
Software:
Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
Mouse:
Whut eats the grain in the barn.
Main Frame:
Holds up the barn ruf.
Port:
Fancy Flatlander wine.
Enter:
Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”.
Random Access Memory:
When ya can’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yer wife asks.
Mouse pad:
That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve

Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 09:31:52 -0500

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote (Men don’t want to see what’s on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And the number one reason God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”

The Pool

One day a rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking and partying next to the pool.

The guy got up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends looked up. He called for silence and said, “The first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.”

No one moves. The guy looked over the crowd and said, “OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money AND my house.”

Still no one moves. “OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house; AND all my cars and planes.”

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. “OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own.”

Splash! Someone was in the pool. Crocodiles were all over him, but he rolled over like Tarzan, he’s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he got out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy jumped down from the tower and ran over to him. “That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?”

“I don’t want the money.”

“Do you want the house now or later?”

“I don’t want the house.”

“The cars and planes?”

“I don’t want the cars or planes.”

“Bonds, stocks?”

“I don’t want that either.”

“Girls?”

“I don’t want the girls.”

The rich guy looked at him and asked, “Well, what do you want?!?!”

“I want the guy that pushed me in!”

Airplane in the Fog

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”

To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

“Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”

Are we ready for modern technology?

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy”.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I worked with an individual who plugged the power strip back into itself and for his life couldn’t figure why the computer would not turn on.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?”

1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?”

1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. “Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy” which she handed to me with the car keys.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now..”

Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support: “Well?”

Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named “i386.” He started to type it and paused, asking me “Where’s the key for that line thing?” I asked what he was talking about, and he said, “You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation
mark.” I replied, “You mean the letter “i”?” and he said, “Yeah, that’s it!”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Application to Live in New Jersey

Name: _______________
Nickname: ____________
Address: _____________
Exit #: ________________

ETHNIC BACKGROUND:
_____Italian
_____Sicilian
_____Jewish

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a) Sewage
b) Sulfur
c) Garbage
d) All of the above

TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:
a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:
a) Sergio Valente b) Jordache c) Sassoon d) Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:
a) 100% b) 95-100% c) 90-95% d) 85-90%

TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:
a) 10-15 b) 15-20 c) 20-25 d) 25 or more

# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:
a) 5-10 b) 10-15 c) 15-20 d) 20 or more

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF THIS JEWELRY:
a) $5-$10 b) $10-$15 c) $15-$20 d) stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT:
a) 10-15 b) 15-25 c) 25 or more

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?
Yes No

HAIR HEIGHT:
a) 6-8 inches b) 8-12 inches c) 1-2 feet d) more than 2
feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME (circle all that apply):
a) hair spray
b) styling gel
c) mousse
d) extra hold styling gel
e) bondo
f) spackle
g) 40-weight motor oil
h) crazy glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
e) Monte Carlo
f) Chevette (You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:
a) 6-8 inches b) 4-6 inches c) 2-4 inches d) Less than 2 inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:
a) gold chain around license plate
b) neon lights around license plate
c) neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) chrome hubcaps
g) stick-on window tinting
h) stick-on paint splash/flame stickers
i) fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springsteen

ESSAY QUESTION:
In 100 words or less, define the term “Yooz Guys.”
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________
________________________________________________

How old are you?

How old does this make you feel?

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and do not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.

CCCP is just a bunch of letters.

They have only known one Germany.

They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tienamin Square means nothing to them. They do not know who Qadafi is.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.

Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.

They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.

“Star Wars” looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic.

There have always been Red M&Ms, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

Zip codes have always had a dash in them.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what Beta is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, PanAM or Ozark Airlines.

The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis (Football) Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, The Minnesota Lakers, The Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL Hockey, that is)

They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, The Florida Panthers, The Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the Tampa Bay Lightning “expansion teams”

They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II or even the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard the terms “Where’s the beef?”, “I’d Walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoon, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.

The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

They cannot remember the Orioles ever winning a World Series, or even being in one.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.

Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don’t know these things will be in college this year. (Keep in mind this joke is now ten years old!)

Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 10:42:39 -0400 (EDT)