Ad Campaign

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God.

This non-denominational campaign started in September sponsored by an anonymous client.

  1. “Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game ” – God
  2. “C’mon Over And Bring The Kids ” – God
  3. “What Part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand?” – God
  4. “We Need To Talk” – God
  5. “Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer” – God
  6. “Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage” – God
  7. “That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It.” – God
  8. “I Love You…I Love You…I Love You…” – God
  9. “Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place?” – God
  10. “Follow Me.” – God
  11. “Big Bang Theory, You’ve Got To Be Kidding.” – God
  12. “My Way Is The Highway.” – God
  13. “Need Directions?” – God
  14. “You Think It’s Hot Here?” – God
  15. “Tell The Kids I Love Them.” – God
  16. “Need a Marriage Counselor? I’m Available.” – God
  17. “Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test.” – God

Why E-mail is Like a Penis

Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis:

(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

(9) Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.

(8) Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

(7) Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-mail Envy.”

(6) It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

(4) If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

(2) If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis…..

(1) If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind.

Stories About the Kids

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, “I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy says, “I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.”

The third guy says, “Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday.”

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, “Well, I’m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out
as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday.”

The Ultimate Urban Legend

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled “Join the crew!”

He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (It’s true-I read it all last week in a mass email from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know).

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said “Welcome to the world of AIDS.”

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X’s and O’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Funny Stuff

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in here with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels… I write, “Could you throw this away for me, please? Thank you.”

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walked off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’. I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘how can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… you finish off as a gleam.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) “I’m not in the mood.”

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.'” Beep.” “Uh, yeah… this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”

B.C.

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Arizona, so she wrote to a travel trailer court and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the “toilet” facilities. She just couldn’t
bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” So she started all over again and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote.

Well, the court manager Herman, wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really had him stumped. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So he finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but now take pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and
make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,

Herman

Santa’s Cousin

Dear ya’ll:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Due to recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209, I now serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and west Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

  • There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
  • Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.
  • Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph’s head now rests over Bubba’s fireplace.
  • You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
  • “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yeehaw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I heard that!”
  • As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a decal depicting “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip character Calvin relieving himself … but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
  • The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “Ernest Saves Christmas” will not be shown in your area. Instead, you’ll see some lesser-known movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says “You scumbum!” a lot and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
  • Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
  • Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis’ “Here Comes Santa Claus” and Madonna’s remake of “Santa Baby.” Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” David Allan Coe’s “Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle.”

Sincerely Yours

Santa

Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent”. The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts… although still silent they stink terribly.” “Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Neil Armstrong

Don’t know if this is true or not…

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just a few years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Dolly Parton and the Queen (kind of gross)

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll
be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.”

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier
out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.

Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”

“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”

Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 13:00:56 -0500