You’re A Geek If …

12 February 1999, 8:00 pm

You’re a geek if …

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment
If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own “Official Star Trek” anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your IQ number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
If you think your computer looks better without the cover
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn’t get enough sleep
If your wife/husband hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Coffee 2. Chocolate 3. Pretzels 4. Jolt Cola

Date: unknown

English is Easy #2

12 February 1999, 4:39 pm

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There’s nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

— Charles Follen Adams, “An Orthographic Lament”

Star Wars Name

10 February 1999, 10:34 pm

How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
3: Insert the word “of”
4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

So I am Miccl Shnew, Krasca of Clarinex.

Advice from Kids

9 February 1999, 1:30 pm

— KIDS’ INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE —

Never trust a dog to watch your food. -Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. -Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. -Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. -Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning. -Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when you dad’s in the shower. -Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. -Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. -Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert. -Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. -Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. -Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. -Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. -Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. -Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. -Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving. -Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do. -Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand. -Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. -Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. -Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. -Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing! -Cynthia, Age 8

Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 13:30:03 -0500

Personality Test

9 February 1999, 1:29 pm

You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it won’t work. It’s really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!!

First, get a pen and paper. Second, write the numbers one through six in a column.

Next to number ONE, write any number.

Next to number TWO, write the name of anyone to whom you are really attracted, not including significant others.

Next to THREE, write down the first color you can think of.

Next to number FOUR, write the name of a childhood pet.

Next to numbers FIVE and SIX write down the names of family members.

Remember… no cheating.

Keep scrolling down

Here are the answers:

The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.

The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you’re stupid enough to waste your time on something like this.

The color you picked means nothing!!! It’s a friggin’ color for Christsake.

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal.

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck, too.

Super Bowl Tickets

9 February 1999, 1:28 pm

Bob won a ticket to the Super Bowl. Approaching the stadium, he was extremely excited. Once he got inside, he couldn’t find his seat. Finally he asked an usher to help him find his seat. The usher guided him to the top row. Then the usher pointed and said seat 25. Bob settled in his seat, and noticed he was almost as far from the field as possible. He pulled out a pair of binoculars, and could still barely make out the numbers on the players. He then gazed around the audience. He suddenly stopped as he came to a open seat
in the first row. Bob packed up, and headed to his destination.

Upon arriving he saw an old man, sitting by himself. Bob then asked “is this seat open?”

“Sure, sit down, no one is sitting there.”

Bob was excited “Who would be crazy enough not to use a seat like this?”

“I am.” said the man. “My wife and I have come to every Super Bowl since 1968.”

“Where is she now?”

“She’s dead.”

“I am so sorry to hear……wasn’t there a really close friend, or family member you could have invited?”

“Nope, they’re all at the funeral.”

Emoticons (aka Smileys)

6 February 1999, 11:00 am

OK to use, IOHO

Full Abbreviated
Version Version
:-) Happy :)
(-: Left Handed/Australian (:
:-( Sad :(
;-) Winky ;)
#-) Oh, what a night! #)
:-O Yelling/Shocked :O
:-| Frowning :|

For those wanting a more 'aesthetically pleasing' emoticon you can use the profile version... some examples are below:

:^) :^] ;^)

Perhaps, a semi-colon too far

So, when words absolutely fail you...

~~:-[ Net Flame
:-$ Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
:-P Sticking Out Tongue
:-@ Screaming/Swearing/Very Angry/About To Be Sick
:*) Drunk/Clown
>;-> Wicked Grin
:-# Been Smacked In The Mouth/Wears A Brace/Kiss
R-) Broken Glasses
(:-) Bald
:-))) Is Very Fat
:-{} Wears Lipstick
=:-) A Dickhead
@:-) Wears A Turban
>:-> Leering
$-) Yuppie/Just Won A Large Sum Of Money
:,( Crying
:=) Two Noses
8:] Gorilla
8-) Wears Glasses
B:-) Wears Sun Glasses On Head
:-T Keeping A Straight Face/Tight Lipped
:-y Said With A Smile
:-| Disgusted/Grim/No Expression
:~-( Crying/Shed A Tear
:'-( Crying
:~(~~ Crying
:-Q A Smoker
:-! A Smoker
%-\ Has A Hangover
|-o Bored
:-X A Kiss/Lips Are Sealed
(:-D Has A Big Mouth
(:+) Has A Big Nose
:-{) Has A Moustache
:-* Just Ate Something Sour/Bitter Taste/Kiss
[:-) Is Wearing A Walkman

Definitely, off the wall!

Some people can't have anything else to do! ...those which are, frankly, taking the p***!

(:-) Bicycle Helmets
:-)' Tends To Drool
=:-) Punk
+-:-) The Pope
O:-) An Angel
*<:-)> Santa
o-<:-{{{ Santa
*<|:-) Santa/A Clown
5:-) Elvis Presley
:-% Banker
:-: Mutant Smiley
(-:|:-) Siamese Twins
7:-) Fred Flinstone
:/7) Cyrano de Bergerac
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O A Barbershop Quartet
3:-o A Cow
8:-) A Pig/A Little Girl
:\/ A Woodpecker
]:-> The Devil
,-) A One Eyed Winky
|-( Lost Contact Lenses
#:-) Matted Hair/Fur Hat/Crewcut/Messy Hair
&:-) Curly Hair
C=:-) A Chef
><:>== A Turkey
=|:-)= Uncle Sam/Abe Loncoln
7:) Ronald Reagan
+<:-| Monk/Nun
:_) A Boxer/Had a Fight/Nose Is Sliding Of Face
>>:-) Devil/Horrible User
>>>>(:-) A Hat Salesman
{ A Psycho
(:I An Egghead
b:-) A Baseball Fan/Has A Cap On
(-) Needs A Haircut
;-(*) Feels Sick
*****:-) Marge Simpson
[:] A Robot
:-[ A Vampire/Count Dracula/Pouting/Sarcastic
:-F A Bucktoothed Vampire/Has Major Dental Problems
:=) Orangutan/Has Two Noses
:-? Smokes A Pipe
:-8( Condescending
8-# Death/Dead
>>:-<< Mad
;^) Smirking
>>:-1 Klingon
!-( Black Eye
) Cheshire Cat
(:-D Blabber Mouth
A Schizo *#*!^*&:-) phrenic
:-'| Has A Cold/Flu
:$) Donald Trump
:-.) Marilyn Monroe/Madonna
:-) 8 Dolly Parton
:-|:-| Deja'vu
><*:oDX A Clown
C|:-= Charlie Chaplin
: .) Cindy Crawford
=) Adolf Hitler
~:o A Baby
===:-D Don King
8(:-) Mickey Mouse/Walt Disney
(|-| F Robocop
3:*> Rudolph the Reindeer
P-) A Pirate
%-~ Picasso
':-) Has One Eyebrow

TLA's (Three Letter Abbreviations)

Anything to avoid RSI (repetitive strain injury)

 Grin
ROFL Rolling on the floor, laughing
LOL Laughing out loud
IMHO In my humble opinion
IOHO In our humble opinion
IMO In my opinion
BTW By the way
RTFM Read the f****** manual

Love and Marriage

3 February 1999, 11:38 am

HE SAID:

Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half
to death.”

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!”

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife “Pass the sugar, Honey.” and “Pass the honey, Sugar.” He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”

SHE SAID:

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

You can fool some of the people all of the time. They’re called “men”.

THEY SAID:

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Marriage is grand — and divorce is about 10 grand.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Love is blind .. Marriage is an institution for the blind.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Ghandi

29 January 1999, 4:06 pm

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (wait for it …)

“Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 16:06:18 -0500

Chess

29 January 1999, 3:35 pm

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 15:35:33 -0500

Michael Clark Personal Stuff

Michael Boyd Clark, MichaelClark.name