Parrots and Prayers

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?”, the priest asked.

“They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'”

“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

“Thank you.” said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?”

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!”

Alone in the Woods

The question was raised: “If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?”

I have considered this question in light of the principles of Modern Physics and offer my thesis, dedicated to my wife, who anchors me in reality.

In the year 1900 Max Planck discovered that the energy of light is quantified. In 1905 Albert Einstein used Planck’s Constant to write the theory of the Photoelectric Effect, that light behaves as a particle when it comes to energy transfer. Louis de Broglie proposed that particles can have a wave nature and this fact was later verified.

These discoveries led Neils Bohr to propose a radical theory of the atom, which was partially successful in explaining the emission spectra of the hydrogen atom. Neils Bohr was compelled to introduce the Principle of “Complementarity,” that light is both a particle and a wave.

The modern theories were extended when Max Born showed that the distribution of energy was a function of probability. Further, Warner Heisenberg wrote the Principle of Uncertainty, which says that it is impossible to determine the exact location of an electron and the vector direction of its momentum at the same time.

This was followed with the master stroke penned by Erwin Schrodinger. Using the “Psi function” of Quantum Mechanics, Schrodinger could map the “wave field” of any particle, thus giving us a theoretical
explanation for the structure of an atom and the entire periodic table of the elements.

The Quantum mechanics predicts that a wave of a single frequency would stretch out to infinite proportions, the superposition of a narrow range of frequencies produces a standing wave function which can be localized to a much more precise location. Thus the electron and its position within an atom becomes a cloud of probability.

From this I infer that there are such states as being right and being wrong, within certain parameters of uncertainty. Applying the Psi function, the more vague the statement of the man the greater
the probability of him being correct. The narrower and more specific his utterance the greater the likelihood of his being wrong.

Also, the Principle of Complementarity assures us that if a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife can not hear him, he is BOTH right and wrong until he comes out of the woods.

In the analogy of Schrodinger’s Cat, the cat in the box is both dead and alive until someone opens the lid. The act of observing the phenomenon determines the outcome.

Thus, the inevitable conclusion is that it doesn’t matter what the man says only his wife can determine whether or not he is correct.

Choking

One day, two neighbors were having lunch at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first one said to the other, “Think we otta’ help?”

“Yep,” said the other one. The first one got up and walked over to the lady and asked, “Kin yew breathe?”

She shook her head no. “Kin yew speak?” he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first neighbor turned back to his friend and said, “Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever’ time!”

Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 16:43:37 -0500

Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God…

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well… He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Friday’s Groaners

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? “Damn.”

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They’re hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 08:51:49 +0500

Star Pants

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word “Pants”

  1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
  3. We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
  5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
  6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
  8. Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
  9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
  10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  11. TK-421. . . Why aren’t you in your pants?
  12. Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
  13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
  14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
  15. Luke. . . Help me take…these pants off.
  16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
  17. That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
  18. Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
  19. Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
  20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
  21. Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  25. You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.

You may be a High Tech Redneck if…

You may be a High Tech Redneck if…. (Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

  • you have old computers up on blocks in the front yard.
  • your e-mail address ends in “over.yonder.com.”
  • you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
  • the bumper sticker on your truck says “My other computer is a laptop.”
  • your laptop has a sticker that says “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
  • you wire your network with jumper cables.
  • you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
  • your deer rifle has laser-guided bullets.
  • your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
  • your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
  • your wife ever said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.
  • you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
  • you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
  • your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
  • you start all your e-mails with the words “Howdy y’all.”

Date: unknown

His & Her Needs

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband asks, “WHAT??”

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, “we’ll take all three of them.” He then leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is _SO_ excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn’t care. While in the jewelry department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet.

The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but okay, if you like it, then let’s get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.”

The husband says. “No — no — no. Honey, we’re not going to _buy_ all this stuff.”

The wife’s face goes blank.

“No Honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode…

The husband smiles and then replies, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!”

Translating Management Speak

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That’s very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don’t disagree. TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don’t totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don’t care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand. TRANSLATION: I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don’t understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don’t understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it’s a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open. TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution. TRANSLATION: @#%* you!

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We’re going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We’re going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn’t understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? TRANSLATION: I still can’t figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You’re working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We’ve put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I’d like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project. TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It’s not possible. It’s impractical. It won’t work. TRANSLATION: I don’t know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It’s a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It’s a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I’m glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal. TRANSLATION: One person couldn’t possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I’ve made up my mind so don’t bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I’ll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we’ve been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Lingerie

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. “This is $200,” she says. “I want one that’s more sheer,” says he. “This one is $350.” “I want it even more sheer than that.” “This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.” “I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.” So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. “So, how do you like it?” she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”