The Frog And The Banker

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $33,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $33,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure, I have this,” and produces a tiny, pink, porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?” So the bank manager looks back at her and says:

“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Chicken Wire

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

The Ultimate Warranty Card

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AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude_____________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler’s Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

MacGyver Cookie Recipe

Well, folks, here it is. I didn’t have time to cook this stuff myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make ’em in my own kitchen at home.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:

Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub

Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you’ll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don’t eat them, since we’re going to need those for the cookies.

You’ll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at Cornell; she’ll explain that she’s going to Ecuador to try to find her father–a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby–who went down there to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn all-around nifty.

Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you’ll want to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal–the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you’ll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too.

When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and try to locate a cab. There won’t be any, for some reason, so you’ll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him, you’ll notice that he’s been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he’ll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about “be careful of the poison ivy” and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You’ll decide that maybe waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside–on the way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her. She’ll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, “On the house.”

At this point, speed is of the essence–get back outside the concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you’ll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot–and he’ll miss on the first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle backfiring. She’ll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she’ll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While she’s talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you’ll find a fair sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she’s getting ready to leave.

Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of paper–it’s a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims “That’s my father’s handwriting!” From this point on, it’s pretty straightforward –just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.

There’ll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird’s nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol.

Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol’s right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers’ lab slides out of the way and you’ll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they’re having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the lab where there’s better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device–except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.

Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They’ll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area–the cookies in particular–with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss her and think “Gosh, for someone who’s been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair’s not greasy at all” the cookies should be done.

Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system for the laser has failed and it’s about to explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.

By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.

Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I’ve ever tried–I’ve made it dozens of times and haven’t had a single bad batch yet.

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that. ”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” She asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole….

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

“Sid,” asked Al, “I wonder if there are any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”

Lifespans

The way it is…

During Creation: God created the mule and told him, “You will be mule, working constantly from dawn to dusk, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years. The mule answered, “To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years.” The dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much, please, no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

God then created the monkey and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and shall live for 20 years.” The monkey responded, “Lord, to live for 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

Finally, God created man and told him, “You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.” And the man responded, “Lord, to live as man for only 20 years is not enough time. Please, Lord, give me the 10 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And it was so.

God made man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 10 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating leftovers after they clean out the pantry. Then, in old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

-Anonymous

Horse Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it’s slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune …………………….

The Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 12:24:25 -0500

More Truer Than Fiction Tech Stories

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.”
The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

**********

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

**********

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

**********

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

**********

Customer in computer shop: “Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?”

**********

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

**********

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

**********

Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icons – I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a filing cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: [click]

**********

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

**********

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out
blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

**********

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

**********

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it.

**********

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

**********

Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”

**********

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”

**********

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen.

“What the…” the tutor said. I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

**********

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: “Ok, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.”

Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”

**********

Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”

**********

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied “It’s about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TOgO DA[M,bN HyAqRD Tgro TgYPmE WeITyH P;AWqS,