Here’s A Puzzle for You:
Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’ was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s
What is it?
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a last name……. Were you thinking of something else?
Calling me with a stupid question you can’t quite articulate – $30
Implying I’m incompetent because I can’t interpret your inarticulate problem description – $1000 + punitive damages
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk – $10.00
Questions where answer is in TFM – $100.00
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once – $100
Insisting that you’re not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow – $200
Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem – $5/step
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem – $50/mile + gas
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else’s problem – $45/hr
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now – $50/hr
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it – $60/hr
If you’ve come to ask me why something isn’t working that I’m currently working on – $70/hr
If you’re asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday – $75/hr
If you’re asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix – $85/hr
If you’re asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn’t work – $95/hr
If you’re bugging me while there’s another admin in the room who could have done it for you – $150/hr
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone – $1500.00
Calling up with a problem which “everybody” in the office is having and which is “stopping all work.” Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. – $1700.00
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it’s your personal machine at home – $500.00
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do – $150.00
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do – $300.00
Not telling all of your co-workers about it – $850.00
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive – $50.00
AFTER I order your replacement hard drive – $250.00
Fixing your “broken” mouse with a mousepad – $25.00
Fixing your “broken” optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees – $35.00
Fixing a “broken” mouse by cleaning the rollers – $50.00
Fixing your “broken” printer with an ink/toner cartridge – $35.00
Fixing your “broken” ANYTHING with the power button – $250.00
Fixing the “crashed” system by turning the external disk back on – $200.00
Fixing the “hung” system by plugging the ethernet transciver back in $375.00
Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the ‘real’ sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation – $400
Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in – $50
Explaining that you can’t log in to some server because you don’t have an account there – $10
Explaining that you don’t have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server – $500
Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger – $25
Changing memory partitions without informing me first – $50
Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first – $100 per program
Technical support for the above programs – $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))
Spilling coke on keyboard – $25 plus cost of keyboard
Spilling coke on monitor – $50 plus cost of monitor
Spilling coke on CPU – $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
Leaving files on desktop – $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve – $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy 🙂
Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine – $200
Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus – $25
Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets – $50
Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say… “So that’s what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!” – $40
Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, “Oops. Nevermind.” – $35 (including discount for polite apology)
Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software – $25
Dealing with “How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died.” requests – $45
Having to use the “We’re really not the best people to talk to about that; why don’t you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?” line – $55
Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response – $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
Having to point out anything that’s on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points – $15
If I wrote the sign – $45
If it’s in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door – $75
Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem – $25.00
Reporting it more than once – $50.00
Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support’s inability to solve problem – $200.00
Beeper Prices:
Beeping me when I’m out with the significant other – $50
Beeping me when I’m out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left – $100
Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer’s offline and the fix is to press the On Line button – $200
Beeping me more than once while I’m asleep – $50 per beep
Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds – $25
Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem – $500
Special Rates:
Dealing with user body odor – $75.00/hour
Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site – $50.00/hour
Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help – $100.00/hour
Dealing with computer hobbiests – $125.00/hour
Questioning the other prices – $50
Q: If the Force with Yoda is so strong, construct a sentence with in the proper order the words then why can’t he?
A: Know I not the answer. Perhaps the swamp air breathing too long he has, hmmmm!
Take this note, you who are weary and jaded. If you ignore all chain letters, read this, it is the fire that fights fire.
****THIS IS THE WORLD’S FINAL CHAIN-LETTER.****
You have been sent a blessing. Those who have followed the instructions on this letter have received good fortune, as you will. The rewards of this letter supercede the promises of all other letters you may have received.
This is the final chain-letter you will ever send. It’s instructions are simple, to receive the fortune that has graced those who have received this before you follow these steps.
*The grace that re-creates
1. Make nine unaltered copies of this note, and send each copy to a friend or stranger within nine days of receiving this. This completed, you will have received not only luck and positive karma, but you have been PERMANENTLY released from the obligation to send another chain-letter.
* The snake that eats its own tail.
2. Never heed another chain-letter. By sending this letter you have already incurred the fortune promised by all future letters you will receive.
Ignore or destroy all future chain-letters that you come in contact with.
To send another chain-letter is to break the gift giving you by this letter.
If you have already received and sent this letter, and you are receiving it again, destroy this copy.
This letter will circle the globe, freeing its recipients from the need to send future chain-letters, and, its task completed, will eventually destroy itself in the same manner.
Not sending this letter curses you with ill-fortune that is the dark mirror of the good fortune you could have received. To ignore this letter is to receive the bad luck or ill-fortune mentioned in all future chain letters you will receive.
Only those who follow the instructions above will receive the double blessing of luck and freedom from all future chain-letters.
Just as sending it blessed you with the luck of all chain letters, not sending it curses you with the misfortune. Sending another chain letter after this one brings the same misfortune as well.
This is the world’s final chain-letter.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun.
Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle.
(The ship SINKS.)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.
Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go)
Titanic, the Movie-A-Minute version
This joke was written by Samuel Stoddard and originally published at the Movie-A-Minute web site.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.
Love,
Timmy
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)
Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. — Benjamin Franklin
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little TOO well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
“Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter,” Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”
“Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”
“Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog.
Frog yells back, “Look – how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!”
Brian is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter….
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But, if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
