The Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!!!

Music From The Grave

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a suddenly he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously. “He’s decomposing.”

Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 10:56:13 -0500

Parrots

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They say ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying …that phrase… in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

Sport Of Choice

National Science Foundation announces study results on corporate America:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees – bowling
2. Sport of choice for front line workers – softball
3. Sport of choice for supervisors – baseball
4. Sport of choice for mid management – racquetball
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers – golf

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in corporate structure, the smaller your balls

Redneck Wedding

Top 10 Signs You’re At A Redneck Wedding

10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters

9. Instead of “Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?” ushers ask “Ford Or Chevy?”

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

7. Phrase “I Do” replaced by “I Heard That”

6. Tender rendition of “The Wedding Song” performed by Pinkard & Bowden

5. When the minister asks “Who giveth this woman to be married”… some guy in the back stands up and hollers “Earnhardt!”

4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, “So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?”

3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos

2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally

….And The Number One Way To Tell If You’re At A Redneck Wedding…

Sign in front of the church: No Shirt… No Shoes… No Problem!

Where Do All The Characters Go?

By Joel Garreau, as reported in his Cybersurfing column in the Washington Post.

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

  • The Catholic Church’s approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as “breast,” “sex” and “contraception.”
  • The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
  • The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.
  • The Mac user’s explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you’re in PC hell also.
  • Stephen King’s explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
  • Dave Barry’s explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.
  • IBM’s explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
  • PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You’ve been DELETING them??? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

The Wall

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Man’s Honey Do List

Honey Do’s

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds– What a waste of effort, we’re only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that – Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard– It snowed last night, I don’t see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? – Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners– Duhh I’m on vacation I don’t need them. Scratch three.

This is easy, what’s the fuss. Think I’ll go on Web surfing for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet– Uhhhh that’s a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. – Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor– The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me – Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do– That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun – Scratch six.

This is way too easy I’ll have lots of time for Web surfing.

7). Vacuum the carpets– That’s a hard one– “Hey kids, wanna have some more FUN?” – Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch– Hey kids, don’t you have a friend’s house to go too ? YESSSS – Scratch eight !!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet– Hmmmm another hard one. That’s it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed – Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good! Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa – no lunch dishes !!!

10). Do laundry– no problem I can do that while I’m on the Web – Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry– (dang, can’t do that while I’m on the computer) Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink
underwear?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. – Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away– Baskets in bedrooms work for me – Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree– Ooops! good thing the carpet is absorbent – Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper– These old newspapers will do, besides, that’s recycling & that’s good for the earth– Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids — Yeah right; we’re talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They’ll be back – Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who’s in the Chat Room. Awww, I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner– Easy, “Hello. Do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow” – Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house– duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done – Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Still time for some Web surfing & a nap– Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they’re working. Wish I was a chick !

Lemon Juice

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny
squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you
a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”

Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 16:55:59 -0500

Pet Genesis

In The Beginning

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, “and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Amen