Fence

A husband and wife are out for a drive through the countryside. They reach a familiar spot, and the wife says: “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here 40 years ago!” The husband stops the car. He backs his wife up against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a Junebug. They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING, and SHAKING uncontrollably.

When it was over, much to her husband’s surprise, she FAINTED! After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded, says: “Darlin’, you sure never reacted like that 40 years ago-or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember.”

The woman, gasping for breath, is finally able to speak. She says: “FORTY YEARS AGO, THAT DAMNED FENCE WASN’T ELECTRIFIED!”

Jigsaw Puzzle

One morning a blonde calls her friend and says “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks “What is it a puzzle of?”

The blonde says “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The friend figures he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I’d advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!”

Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 13:00:32 -0500

Army Voice Mail

U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I’m sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory “Consideration Of Others” training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

Flowers

Friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again…..for no reason.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”

The brunette says, “Oh sure…..but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 14:08:04 -0500

Real Man Test

Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the “C” answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

*-*-*-*-*-*-

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
with it than with her).

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

Swimming

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 14:07:48 -0500

Beeper

A man and his little nephew were in line at the movies. The little boy was standing in front of his uncle and in front of the little boy was a very large woman with a very wide behind stretched from one side to the other.

Well the little boy looked at the woman’s behind and looked up at his uncle. Afraid the little boy was about to say something embarrassing, the uncle told him to behave himself and not say anything. The little boy nodded his head in agreement.

Just at that moment the lady’s beeper went off, and the little boy jumped back holding his arms out to protect his uncle and shouted out, “Watch out, She’s backing up!”

What Do Babies Think?

Look Who’s Thinking – What Do Babies think? [From “The Dad Zone: Reports from the Tender, Bewildering, and Hilarious World of Fatherhood”, by Michael Burkett (Simon & Schuster, 1993)]

Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.

Despite the potential “brain drain” risks reported in a recent Newsweek covers story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed my seven-month-old daughter to undergo a “head read,” conducted in her natural environment. Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire… Nope. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly…

Whoooops! Hey! I’m flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! I’m flying into… Oh, no!

My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN! NOT THE…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Uh-oh. There’s that rumbling noise. Maybe it’s a false alarm… Nope! It’s a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive…

EEEYOW! Where you been keepin’ those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next time, how about chippin’ the ice off ’em first?

Hey! I’m flyin’ again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into…my crib? No! No! I’m not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn’t have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hey! There’s Dad? He’ll bust me outta this joint!… Hey, Dad, where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It worked. What a sucker.

Hiya, Dad. You know, you’d be a pretty good-lookin’ guy if you didn’t have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip… Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands… Okay! Okay! I’ll just yank out one hair at a time… Sheesh.

What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp fingernails into your face?…

WHOOOOPS! I’m flyin’ again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Hmmmm. I’m famished, and this mystery food ain’t helping. Time to ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What’s on the menu tonight, Mom? … Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol’ honkin’ spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!

Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It’s great. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh?

Hey! Where’d the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I don’t want no stinkin’ bottle. Here, I’ll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See?

What are you doin’? Don’t pick it up and give it back to me! Obviously, you’re confused, so let’s go over it one more time. When I throw my bottle THUSLY, it means “Ixnay on the ottlebay.” Got that? In otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained…

Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin’ back to the living room floor! Well, it’s about time! Let’s see. What was I doing before all those rude interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now, where’s that wire?…

Oooh! Look at that! I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna try to eat it…

Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 11:21:45 -0500

Cow-ism

Socialism — If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.

Communism — If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism — If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism — If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism — (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism — (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism — If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism — If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Pure Socialism — You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to
take care of all the cows.The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism — You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They
are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Communism — You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism — You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism — You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship — You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy — You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy — You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy — You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy — You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism — You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Programmers-Trying-to-Meet-Year-2000-Deadline — You have two cows. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead.

Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 11:21:27 -0500

Men Are Like…

Men are like chocolate bars……Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee…….The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes…….They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like cement……After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like plungers……They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives……They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots…….The good ones are taken and what’s left is handicapped.

Men are like a snowstorm……..You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.