Cat Diary

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their
bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I as…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Understanding Computer Lingo

Common Computer Terminology

486 – Average IQ needed to understand a PC
State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford
Obsolete – Any computer you own
Microsecond – The time it take for your state-of-the-computer to become obsolete
Syntax Error – “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”
Computer Chip – Any starchy foodstuff comsumed while programming
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate
Floppy – The state of your wallet after buying a computer
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salespeople
Portable Computer – A device intended to force businesspersons to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL your software
Computer Industry Acronyms
PCMIA – People Can’t Memorize Industry Acronyms
SCSI – System Can’t See It
PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorect Understanding of Mathematics
WWW – World Wide Wait
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL – Completely Outdated Because Of Length
MIPS – Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too
MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
LISP – Lots of Infuriating, Silly Parentheses
RISC – Reduced Into Silly Code
DOS – Defective Operating System
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
DEC – Do Expect Cuts

COMPUTER SPECIFIC OXYMORONS
Advanced BASIC
Software Documentation
Computer Jock
Web Security
Microsoft Works

Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED – She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She is not KINKY – She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer gut – He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not a bad dancer – He is Overly Caucasian.
He does not get lost all the time – He investigates Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding – He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber – He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk – He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass – He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not a sex machine – He is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig – He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes – He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment – He is Monogamously Challenged.

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: ? I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this. Mister, I’m talking to that little guy on your knee!”

Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 10:11:37 -0500

Cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we`re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “gimme a fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over– the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”

The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, dummy!”

Politically Correct Lord’s Prayer

Our (mis)Concept of Patriarchal Authority, who, it can be said, inhabits the metaphysical sphere, privileged be your signifier.

May your social structure achieve dominance.

May the enactment of your desire be manifested throughout the physical-metaphysical dichotomy.

Empower us this day with the means of material production,

And refuse to enforce sanctions against our behavior which some see as subversions of a moral perspective, just as we refuse to marginalize the moral perspectives of others who have exerted their individuality.

Don’t lead us into situation that some would (mis)understand as detrimental to the full expression of our humanness, but liberate us from the concept of “evil.”

For yours is the hegemony, and the dominance, and perceived mystification within the entire continuum of the Western concept of linear time.

Delicacy

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day’s sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter promptly replied, “Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins!”

Stuffed Animals

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, lying in bed, he turned to her and asked, “So… how was I?”

“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

Al Gore

True story………. Have any of you heard how Al Gore lives a Christ centered life? He gave a big speech this week about how his faith is “so important” to him. Well, the funny part is, he said his favorite Bible verse is “John 16:3”. Of course, the speech writer meant “John3:16” but Al & the speech writer apparently weren’t familiar enough to catch the error. Well….John 16:3 reads “And they will do this because they have not known the Father nor Me” The Holy Spirit works in strange ways…….

Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 09:42:03 -0400