Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast! ‘How is this possible?’ he asked. ‘We’ve never swept together!’
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 11:42:26 -0500
President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual.
Clinton says: “I’d salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full.”
The Marine replies: “Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!”
President Clinton responds: “These aren’t just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!”
The Marine replies: “Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”
The President then responds: “I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!”
The Marine replies: “Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!”
The boss needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 13:16:29 -0500
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 – LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees’ nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 – Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken’s head and fired.
#3 – PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. “I didn’t think he was going to eat it,” the dancer identified only as “Ginger” said, adding “He was really drunk.”
#4 – In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
#5 – MOSCOW, Russia -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn’t, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It’s good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 – In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#7 – RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms… a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARDWINNER IS…..THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker’s earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker’s body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker’s unfinished beers had exploded.
and the add-on – perhaps a distant runner-up
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue” … the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. “Sally (the rhino) hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,” said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino’s buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of liquid rhino offal. “It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass. “I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.” Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
Obviously, don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie.
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP – MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP – BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren’t selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont’d) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.
JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP – MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You’ve gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN I’m so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I’m Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, I’m whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don’t help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE – SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I’m cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD I’m the only one disturbed by the fact that I’m gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.
JAKE’S MOM No, I won’t allow him to pod race. He’ll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There’s a video game of this scene… uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I’ll do it even more in episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn’t this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I’m just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT – JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.
YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I’m training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I’ll fuckin’ kill you! I’m gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON I’m going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID Damn I’m evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER- CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn’t that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don’t care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don’t care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone’s ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont’d) Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM’S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I’m in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I’m so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont’d) Uh oh! I better leave! Let’s leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it’s always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I’d make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood’s commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
END
21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball………stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.
That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”
Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
To all the hard working Americans…. The answer to the eternal question “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”
Michael Jordan was making over $300,000 a game. That $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions Of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15%of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn’t it?
HOWEVER, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blond’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 09:50:56 -0500
Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he loved the Yankees.
He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out.
Not a seat to be had. Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers
behind the flagpole.
Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn’t need a plane. Well, Jose, they asked when he returned, “How was it?”
Jose raved. The stadium, the game, the Yankees and, oh yes, most of all the fans…..They were so friendly, so concerned about him that it was unbelievable. “Can you imagine it? Before the game began, they all stood up and turned, looked at me and sang,…..
…… “Jose? Can you see?”!
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 09:50:30 -0500
