Usenet Flame Form

(version 78.61, material by Joseph Helenihi, et al)

Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] Flamer
[ ] “Me too” er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Racist [ ] Fed
[ ] Stereotypical AOLer [ ] Freak [ ] Troller
[ ] Fundamentalist [ ] Satanist [ ] Scientologist

You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted what should have been emailed
[ ] You obviously don’t know how to read your newsgroups line
[ ] You are trying to make money on a non-commercial newsgroup
[ ] You self-rightously impose your religious beliefs on others
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread
[ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread
[ ] You employ no word wrap
[ ] Your post is absurdly off topic for where you posted it
[ ] You posted a followup to crossposted robot-generated spam
[ ] You posted a “test” in a discussion group rather than in alt.test
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You posted low-IQ flamebait
[ ] You posted a blatently obvious troll
[ ] You followed up to a blatently obvious troll
[ ] Your grammar/spelling/punctuation is errant
[ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous
[ ] You said “me too” to something
[ ] You make no sense
[ ] Your sig/alias/server is dreadful
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme
[ ] You claimed a pyramid-scheme/chain letter for money was legal
[ ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs to look K3WL
[ ] You posted SCREAMING in RANDOM CAPS for NO APPARENT REASON
[ ] You didn’t do anything specific, but appear to be so generally worthless that you are being flamed anyway

To Repent, You Must:

[ ] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea what you’re doing
[ ] Be Senator Exon’s love slave
[ ] Read every newsgroup you posted to for a week
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Tell your Mommy to up your medication
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Make a homepage for the goddess Hello Kitty
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Post to alt.test
[ ] Print your home phone number in your ads
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month

In Closing, I’d Like to Say:

[ ] Get a clue
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Go away
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] You need to seek psychiatric help
[ ] Morons like you give ammo to pro-censorship geeks
[ ] Yer momma’s so fat/stupid/ugly etc…
[ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
[ ] Learn how to post or get off the usenet
[ ] All of the above

Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way!

A cat certainly can`t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I`ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede?

I can`t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I`ll try a centipede.”

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it`s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling the floor waxed.

He`s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I`ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what`s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can`t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it … and there`s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What`s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I`m goin`! I`m goin`! I`m just puttin` on my shoes!”

McDonalds Job Application

McDonald’s Fast Food Job Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING

UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Fisherman And His Two Sons

One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and
still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as
her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?”she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.”

“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 12:58:55 -0500

Bell Ringer

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, “But. . .you have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man: “Observe!”

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day…), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I dont know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop…

“….but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 12:58:47 -0500

Clinton’s Menu

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, “Are you ready to order?”

Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.”

“A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea. I’ll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.”

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced Quiche.”

Web Addiction Recovery

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

  1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
  2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
  3. I will get dressed before noon.
  4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
  5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
  6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
  7. I will read a book…if I still remember how.
  8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
  9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
  10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
  11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
  12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Sith Lord Job Posting

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master’s planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG ™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

Blondie Y2K Conversion

To: My Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.

The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 10:20:11 -0500

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a
free disk! I’d better hold onto it incase they don’t ever send me anther one! I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don’t work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a
prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software.
Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why
do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial
tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he’s not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT
GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A
BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T
WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER
SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING!
JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t
eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t
know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts
about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I
included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.