6 Presidents on a sinking boat
Ford says: “What do we do”
Bush says: “Man the lifeboats”
Reagan says: “What lifeboats”
Carter says: “Women first”
Nixon says: “Screw the women”
Clinton says: “You think we have time?”
Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 11:56:34 -0500
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
There are some people that should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m stupid.”
That way you wouldn’t rely on them would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”
It’s like before my wife and I moved from Bay Shore to Coram…our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, “Hey, You moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes…. Here’s your sign.”
Last summer I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope. Talked ’em into giving up….. Here’s your sign.”
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There’s only one way to test that. “All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well all right….hold my sign, I don’t wanna lose it”
Last week I had a flat tire, so I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said “Nope. No, I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me…… Here’s your sign.”
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, “Darn that’s hot!” See…. If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 17:28:40 -0400
Husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table. Husband gets up and goes to the cupboard. He brings back a bottle of tylenol and a glass of water. He places it in front of his wife. Wife says “what’s that for? I don`t have a headache.” Husband says “GOTCHA!”
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary… Mary….
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.
A not so bright guy, wanting to earn some money, decided to try to find some handyman-type work and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The guy said “How about 50 dollars?”
The homeowner agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.
The homeowner’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The homeowner replied, “He should. He was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the guy came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the homeowner asked.
“Yes,” the guy answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the homeowner reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the guy added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on …
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”
From an ex-field sales/support survivor:
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in… some command… maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you’ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost….
