Grown Up Words

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘grownup words,'” she’d always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana,” Wendy said. “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!”

She then asked Joey what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo,” he said. “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words!”

She turned to Eddie and asked what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful,” said the teacher. “What book did you read?”

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and answered, “Winnie the Shit.”

Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 17:03:23 -0500

Sales

A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows the kid around, and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed. “Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes,”and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”. And the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the kid replies “Yes…it’s good!”

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid, “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife…”

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face drops, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s screwed. You may as well cut the grass.”

Jesus At The Pearly Gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.”

“Sounds easy enough. OK.”

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, “What did you do for a living?”

The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.”

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. “Did you have any family?” he asked.

“Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.”

Jesus leaned forward some more. “You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?”

“Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.”

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?”

The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

Why Leaves are Orange and Maroon

After George Welsh dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows George a little two-bedroom house with a faded UVA banner hanging from the front porch. “This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here,” God says.

George looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Hokie flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Hokie banner hangs between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Beamer gets a mansion with new Hokie banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at him seriously for a moment. “That’s not Beamer’s house,” God says. “That’s mine.”

Internet Commandments

The Top Internet Commandments

12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.

11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***

10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.

9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.

8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.

7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!

6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.

5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.

4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click “Reply to all.”

3. Thou shall not call thyself “Richard P. Smith” online when “Chesty LaRue” sounds so much better.

2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife – and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.

Texas

May 30th Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th Dry heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid fucking state.

Aug 8th If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like Roasted fucking Garfield!!

Aug 10th The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to #@*& for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the damn pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

Aug 14th Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the God damned windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in The Gulf of Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.

Vowels to Bosnia

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA. CITIES OF SJLBVDNZV, GRZNY TO BE FIRST.

Before an emergency joint session of Congress today President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia.

The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.

“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world,” Clinton said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say, Enough.”

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. “I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name.”

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 11:56:46 -0500

New Drugs For Men

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today’s society.

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared with a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks–especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wife had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweetie expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the exact opposite affect of Viagra, currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug has the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA: Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Redneck Jedi

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…..

  • You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with ya’ll.”
  • Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
  • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
  • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
  • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
  • Wookies are offended by your B.O.
  • You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
  • Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
  • You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
  • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
  • You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
  • Your business cards read “Billy Bob, Jedi Master”.
  • Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads “My other fighter is an X-wing”.
  • You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
  • You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
  • When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
  • Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
  • Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads “Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers”
  • If you hear … “Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!”

Mirror, Mirror

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the door’s entrance.

“Welcome to the ladies room,” she said. “Be sure to check out our newest feature a mirror which will award you one wish if you look into it and make a truthful statement. But, be warned, if you say something false you’ll be sucked into the mirror and you’ll live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!” The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot.

The brunette looked into the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three girls.” Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said, “I think I’m the most talented of us three girls.” Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 11:56:40 -0500