Thought you guys would get a kick out of this:
The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees:
There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York and she’s taking the turkey with her.
Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1999 10:16:27 -0400
Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of God’s intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharoah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious…..The Pharoah was still in de Nile.
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
“Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink.
They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night.
The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
“You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet.”
“No, she replies….
(Wait for it….)
(It’s coming………….)
(The suspense is killing you ……..)
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
___________________________________________________
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A blonde is sitting on a plane waiting for it to depart, when a lawyer-looking guy comes and sits next to her. While she is trying to catch some zzz’s, the guy next to her leans over and says, ‘Do you want to play a game? We’ll ask each other questions and if we don’t know the answer to each others questions, we’ll hand over $5.’
She replies, ‘No thank you, I’d like to get some sleep.’
He says back to her, ‘O.K. I’ll give you $50 (thinking she’s a dumb blonde, he’ll never have to pay), and you only have to pay $5.’ She finally gives in and he asks the first question.
He asks her, ‘What is the distance from the Sun to the Earth?’ She reaches over into her purse, pulls out $5, and hands it to him.
‘Now it’s my turn,’ she says. ‘What is black and white, goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?’
He pulls out his laptop, gets on the Web and no one knows the answer. He gets out his cell phone and calls friends and family, no one knows the answer. He goes back online and emails all his connections, and still, no one knows the answer. After an hour, he finally looks over and taps the blonde on the shoulder to wake her up, and says, ‘You got me. I tried everyone I possibly could and no one knows the answer. Here you go, you deserve the $50.’
She accepts it and says thank you, turns over and goes back to her nap. He looks at her and says, ‘Well, what’s the answer?!’ She reaches into her purse and hands him a $5 bill, turns over and goes back to sleep.
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 16:16:51 -0500
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter’s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, “I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!”
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 13:12:31 -0500
Numbers can be used to prove anything it seems. Here is one of the strangest I’ve seen lately.
Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil:
The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where “III” means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
I 1
I 1
I 1
666 !!!
Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S – D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide…
Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken,
and the stillness gave no token.
“Save!” I said, “You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!”
One thing did the phosphors answer,
only this and nothing more,
Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
Was this some occult illusion,
some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
ones I’d never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices
as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key,
choosing one and nothing more,
From “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
With fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
I tried to catch the chips off guard,
and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation,
trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation,
just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking,
blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away
and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said “Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.”
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 19:56:24 EDT
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree asks…”Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”
