Beer

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son’s head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, “Take another drink!” The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons
continued their chant: “Take another drink!”

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy’s empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Joke of the Season

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Bill Gates Joke

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also stole Windows ’95 from Apple. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

“Well, what’s the difference between the two?”Bill asks.

God says, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay, then,” says Bill. “Let me try Hell first.”

So Bill goes to Hell. It’s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect.

He is very pleased. “This is great!” he tells God. “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”

“Fine,” says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It’s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. “Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he tells God.

“Fine,” replies God. “As you desire.”

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

“Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.”

The Coffin

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster… faster… BUMP…BUMP… BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP…on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin … … and of course

… the coffin stops!

Pull Over

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the person behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the driver yelled back, “SCARF!”

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 15:58:06 -0500

Engineer Humor

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong
way.

You might be an engineer if …

  • … you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • … the sales people at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions
  • … at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • … you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
  • … you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • … you comment to your spouse that his/her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • … you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
  • … you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
  • … you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • … you know what “http://” stands for.
  • … you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
  • … you see a good design and still have to change it.
  • … you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
  • … you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
  • … you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
  • … you window shop at Radio Shack
  • ….your laptop computer costs more than your car.
  • … your spouse hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
  • … you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
  • … you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 09:31:26 -0500

Bus Conductor

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling.

According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender’s neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything – but the conductor won’t die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket.

He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more – his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret – “what is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it”, replies our friend. “I’m just a bad conductor.”

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 09:44:42 -0500

Forgetfulness

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem- knock on wood.” As she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 09:42:16 -0500

Ride Or Walk

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY ….. IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS!!

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 09:40:47 -0500

Baby Names

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 09:46:46 -0500