Junk Mail 2000

I moved from Blacksburg to the bustling metropolis of Fairfax County in northern Virginia. The apartment I am living in has locks on the mailboxes so I did not get a post office box this time. Big mistake!

The first week after moving in, I received four pieces of junk mail. The next week six pieces. It’s usually four to eight pieces per week. I have kept all of the junk mail I’ve received in a box. I just weighed it and the box weighs over seven pounds in eight months. So that is ten pounds of junk mail a year. Multiply that times the 130 million (130,000,000) housholds in the United States. You get 1.3 billion pounds of trash. I am not an ecologist, but this can not be good for the environment. And look at how much extra fuel and wear and tear must be happening to the post office’s equipment.

I wrote to the Direct Marketing Association to get onto the Mail Preference Service. It hasn’t helped. I have not even received confirmation from them that they received my request.

The other major difference between living in Northern Virginia and Blacksburg is the political junk mail I get up here. Every candidate that ran for any office that I was able to vote for “bought” my name and address from the County Registrar. I received tons of junk mail from these politicans trying to get me to vote for them. Well, their junk mail did help me to remember the candidates’ names. The ones who sent me the most junk mail did not get my vote.

Santa Rebuttal

This is in response to the note circulating that Santa can’t possibly exist. Of course he does.

Oh, excuse me, I have to go to my door – the Easter Bunny is ringing my doorbell!

Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish “study.”

  1. Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santa’s village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer–obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.
  2. Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches’. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

    Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don’t believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters–they’ll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

    Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled–and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty–since it’s the holidays we’ll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santa’s delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

  3. Santa’s delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name “Santa” is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister’s guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don’t know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first started out.

Santa dead, indeed–some people will twist any statistic to “prove” their cynical theory.

Date: Unknown

Modern Irish Blessing

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist,
your cardiologist,
your gastro-enterologist,
your urologist,
your proctologist,
your podiatrist,
your psychiatrist,
your plumber
and the I.R.S.

May your hair,
your teeth,
your face-lift,
your abs
and your stocks
not fall;
and may your blood pressure,
your triglycerides,
your cholesterol,
your white blood count
and your mortgage interest
not rise.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour,
and when you get there may you find a parking space.

May Friday evening, December 31, find you at home ushering in the New Year.
You will find the food better,
the environment quieter,
the cost much cheaper,
and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not
come to an end,
the lights work,
the water faucets flow,
and the sky has not fallen.

May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find
your account is in order,
your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

May you ponder on January 4th: How did this ultramodern civilization
of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip
on a chip made out of sand?

May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era,
and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn
of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar — by which time the
computer is long since obsolete and so are we.

May God give you the strength to go through a year of presidential
campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept. May you
believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those
elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of
reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.

May you be awestruck by God’s sense of humor as you wrestle with
the possibility that a professional wrestler could become President of
the United States.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in
you delight them.

May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your
blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish
dinner, and may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may
they include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say “I Love You” at least once a day to your
spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your
nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and the awareness of God’s
love in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s
smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous
beat of our heart.

A Hokie Christmas

Twas the night before the “big day”, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse:

The pendants were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Beamer soon would be there:

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of the Sugar Bowl danced in their heads;

And ma in her Hokies shirt, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long New Years nap,

When out in the town there arose such a clatter, I went from my house to see what was the matter.

Away to the gridiron I flew with great haste, Tore open the doors and threw up the gates.

The lights from the top of the New Orleans dome Gave the luster to the field that was far from home.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a whole tribe of warriors dressed up in their gear.

With a southern ol’ coach, so lively and slick, I knew in a moment that this was no trick.

More rapid than eagles his players they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Now MIDGET now CHARLTON now VICK and MOORE. On DAVIS on KENDRICK on KIBBLE and GRAHAM.

From the top of the stands, regardless of polls, This is the BIG game, so go get ’em, you HOKIES!”.

It’s down to two teams on this championship night. The Hokies and Noles have one last big fight.

So on to the Superdome the teams they did fly, With the book full of tricks that St. Beamer would try.

Frank was dressed all in maroon, from his head to his toe, And circling his head was a great golden glow;

A bundle of plays he had flung on his back, And he looked like a gambler just opening his sack.

His eyes they did twinkled! His smile just as merry! Michael Vick was his man, and boy he could carry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And you could tell it was time to get on with the show.

A secret play book was held tight in his hand, Every one in the nation knew this coach was “THE MAN”.

He had a broad face and was a little round bugger, And shook when he laughed like a BOWLful of SUGAR.

He was cheerful and ready, a right jolly old elf, And I cheered when I saw him, and not to myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He said what he needed, and gathered his crew, Twelve wins in a row was what he would do.

The HOKIES took the field with a big swell of pride, The NOLES were history, there was nowhere to hide.

As he sprang to his feet, to his team gave a holler, He saw them standing just a little bit taller.

“We’ve beaten them all, we’ve got the job done.” It’s now undisputed, WE ARE # 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas and Go Hokies!

Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 15:41:18 -0500

Y2K Solution

To all in-house computer users.

As some of you know we have been having various hardware and software problems, especially installing some of our new software. I have not been able to fix many of these and I have thus become very frustrated. With that in mind and because of heightened concern over Y2K problems, we will remove all computers from your desks on December 31, 1999, thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem.

Instead, all employees will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. This provides three distinct advantages:

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches to prevent goals from being accomplished

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails

4. Everybody gets the same advanced model

In anticipation of the changeover, the following is a list of FAQs regarding Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a file?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

ANY QUESTIONS?

Some New Viruses

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It by C:\

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/66 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Story of Creation

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, at what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe will be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot while Australia will be relatively tranquil.” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely arid while that one will be covered with ice.”

The archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass. “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Blacksburg, the most glorious place on Earth. The people from Blacksburg are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous; and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be sociable, hard- working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them a super-human, unbeatable football team that will be admired and feared by all who see and play them.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: “What about balance, God? You said there will be balance.”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the loud-mouth, goofy idiots I’m putting in Charlottesville.”

Church

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”

Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, but I was naked, and I hid myself.”

Oy, Come All Ye Faithful

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.”

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.”

Spell Checker

I have a spell checker

It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its own weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A cheek or is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime

Now spilling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

So ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want to please

-Author Unknown