Groaners

Groaner #1: The couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. I think I can help you, he said, handing them a card. “Why are you masked?” the husband asked. Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you. This is the answer to our prayers! the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. Who do you think that was? she asked her husband who answered, That was the Clone Arranger.

—–

Groaner #2: It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece. The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the lest significant piece, the black queen’s knight’s pawn. So he was devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher. You should have known better. It read, Our firm will never publish pawnography.

Brains

A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000.00.”

The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”

The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”

Lonely Adam

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?”, The Lord replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”

This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice.

“Sounds great.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”

She/He Definitions

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call “boinking” to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Find Your Letter

Seek the first letter of your name….and what a surprise….does it suit you?

A You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can’t be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. When it comes to sex, it’s action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate’s physical attractivesness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the “hunt” envigorating. You are passionate and sexual, as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being roromanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are privare in your expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are will to experiment.

C You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner-before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturant and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvements, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude.

E Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while-it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don’t have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. {Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually-that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits, and equally cautious in your sexual involvements. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I You have a great need to be loved, appreciated… even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are somethimes downright lustful.

J You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for love-making, there is nothing to stop you,except maybe the stamina of your partner.(you could have danced all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long-distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. The sex act seems to satisfy a need to be nurtured deep within.

K You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don’t fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

L You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it’s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you’re being appreciated.

M You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all-consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N You may appear innocent, unassuming, and shy; but we know that appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of sex. You can be highly critical of your mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers.

O You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can rechannel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn’t think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy…a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of ther ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not show this outwardly. If your new lover is not all that great in bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away-and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

T You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights, and romantic thoughts. You fantasize and tend to fall in and out of love. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely changeable. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head.

U You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate look good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner’s pleasures above your own.

V You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can’t shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can’t have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn’t always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling, and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, fomantic bedmate.

Z You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can’t help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and agazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. You are easily aroused sexually..

A point to ponder…….

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Golf Joke #3

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

Golf Joke #2

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, “How come you all play such good golf?”

The lead rabbi said, “When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded.”

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, “Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I’m still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, “What temple did you join?”

He said, “Beth Shalom”.

The rabbi retorted, “Schmuck! That one’s for tennis!”

Golf Joke #1

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Beatles Re-written

“NEW LYRICS TO BEATLES SONGS”

YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn’t it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn’t he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin’
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He’s as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don’t worry
Test with time(1), don’t hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He’s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody …
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

Write in C (“Let it Be”)

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

=========================

Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now

You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!