Random Thoughts

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” –Ellen DeGeneres

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” –A. Whitney Brown

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ” –Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.” –Jeff Stilson

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
–Sue Murphy

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?” –Rita Rudner

“You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.” –Jay Mohr

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

“What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?” –Marilyn Pittman

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?” –Lily Tomlin

“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?” –Robin Williams

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” –Richard Jeni

Art Theft

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: (brace yourself)

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Lose weight

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

The man responded, “Ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”– to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”

“Very well,” the voice on the phone told him, “Give me your credit card number and we”ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick,run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

“This is fantastic!” he thought to himself. Later that evening the called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

“Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.

“Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

The man replied,”Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “IF I CATCH YOU, I CAN HAVE YOU”

Wanna know what love is?

TIPS ON LOVE. From those that should know (all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

“Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date” (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours” (Kally,9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular” (Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life” (Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet” (Gary, 7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them” (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me” (Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love – I’m finding fourth grade hard enough” (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills” (Ava,8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love” (Alonzo,9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat . French fries usually works for me” (Bart,9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. they like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you” (Doug, 7)

“It might help to watch soap operas all day” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That’s why I stopped doing it” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work” (Tom, 7)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash” (Randy, 8)

While Hunting For That Thanksgiving Turkey…

A hunter’s close friend wanted to shoot his own turkey for Thanksgiving so the hunter agreed to take him into the woods to get his own Thanksgiving turkey. The hunter sits his friend in a large bush with a rifle and tells him “Sit absolutely still and don’t move a muscle or make a sound until you see a turkey. Then shoot it and you will have your holiday dinner, it’s that easy.”

Then the hunter leaves his friend to go find his own place to hide. Some time passes and suddenly the hunter hears “BANG”.

He goes running to his friend’s hiding place but sees no turkey. “What happened?” the hunter asks. “There’s no turkey.”

His friend replies: “A skunk walked by and sprayed me – I didn’t move a muscle. A snake slithered by and bit me on the leg. I didn’t even flinch. But when the two squirrels ran up my pants leg and said ‘We’ll eat one now and save the other one for dinner’…………….

You Might Be An Engineer If

You might be an engineer if

  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
  • If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids’ toys.
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
  • If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
  • If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  • If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • If you have more toys than your kids.
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
  • If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
  • If your checkbook always balances.
  • If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
  • If you know what http:/ stands for.
  • If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc)
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 14:39:24 -0500

Have you ever wondered if you might be an engineer??

Have you ever wondered if you might be an engineer??

  • If you refer to your spouse as “woman@home.wife” you may be an engineer. (But only if you’re a MALE engineer)
  • If your favorite TV show is “Mr. Wizard” instead of “Baywatch,” you may be an engineer.
  • If when your family is expecting, you are more interested in the ultra-sound equipment than the test results, you may be an engineer.
  • If when someone asks “What’s new?” you answer “C over lambda” you may be an engineer.
  • If you know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, and don’t remember your own, you may be an engineer.
  • If you are always asking your friends from marketing to hold two leads to a giant capacitor, you may be an engineer.
  • If you find your head nodding up and down every time you read Dilbert, you may be an engineer.
  • If your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils, you may be an engineer.
  • If when your 3-year old asks “Why is the sky blue?” you start explaining it to them, you may be an engineer.
  • If you can explain which direction the water spins as you flush the toilet, and why, you may be an engineer.
  • If you go to the air show, and you start calculating how fast the sky divers are falling, you may be an engineer; if you start telling all the people around you, you definitely are.
  • If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for lunch, you may be an engineer.
  • If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart, you may be an engineer.
  • If you pre-plan your route on a map of the exhibits through the annual computer show at Moscone Center, you may be an engineer.
  • If you read PC World and Popular Mechanics while on vacation, you may be an engineer.
  • If you are willing to debate for two hours the possible results of an experiment that takes five minutes to run, you may be an engineer.
  • If you know the altitudes at which you must turn off electronic devices on an airplane, and why, you may be an engineer.
  • If on a camping trip, your spouse starts complaining about bug “bites” and you respond that “Yes, we do need more memory in our computer” you may be an engineer.

Mon, 24 Nov 1997 14:39:24 -0500

Comp. Support

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

Marv Albert Holiday Jingle

“Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear” (sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland”)

Lacy things – the girlfriend’s missin’,
Didn’t ask – her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store – there’s a teddy,
Little straps – like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?”
We’ll say,”Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our women are out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress – like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear!

Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 12:44:14 -0500

Riddle

Three friends go to a bar for a drink. They order a bottle of champagne from the assistant who brings it to them and charges $30. They each pay him $10. When the owner of the bar returns, the assistant tells him he didn’t know how much to charge for the champagne (a brand they hardly ever sell) and that he has charged them $30. The owner says this is too much – it should have cost $25 and tells him to give them $5 back. The assistant takes 5 one dollar coins from the till and realizing he can’t divide the $5 evenly among three people gives each person $1 back and puts the other $2 in his pocket.

Now, each person paid $9 for their share of the champagne 3x$9 = $27 plus the $2 the assistant put in his pocket makes $29. Where is the missing dollar?