Funny But Ouch

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed!” she hearkened, “The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” .. . .Pause. . . . . “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from “Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,” a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She (“Buttons” aka “the Grater”) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body
to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight
or flight” syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My
wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. “Certainly madam”, he replied courteously. “Is the resturant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and tood the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. “Certainly madam,” he replied. “And may I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning madam…sleep well?” “Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. “Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. “Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“Ok I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is………

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!”

Political Jokes

Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.” God thinks for a second and says “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then addressed Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

“I believe you’re in my chair.”

Bill Clinton is visiting a elementary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a “TRAGEDY”

One little boy stands up and says “If my best friend was playing in the street and a car came along and hit him and killed him that would be a “TRAGEDY.”

“No” Clinton says “That would be an accident”

A girl raises her hand “If a school bus carring 50 children went off a cliff killing them all that would be a “TRAGEDY”.

“I’m afraid not” explained Clinton “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room is slient none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks Clinton. “Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a “TRAGEDY”???

Finally a boy in the back of the room raises his hand and in a timid voice says “If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb “That would be a TRAGEDY”.

“Wonderful” says Clinton “Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?

“Well” says the boy “Because if wouldn’t be an ACCIDENT and it certainly wouldn’t be no GREAT LOSS.”

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated “state visit” to Great Britain. Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeded through the streets enroute to Buckingham Palace, the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach. Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizzare together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. “Mr. President, please accept my regrets – – – I’m sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought; why, if you hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”

Halloween Party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party without her and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She said there was no need for him to miss the fun. Reluctantly, he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching him to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every beautiful girl he could, all the while, copping a feel here, and stealing a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him,
and being a rather seductive babe herself, he immediately left his current dance floor partner and devoted his time to the new “action.” She let him flirt and tease as much as he wished, and in fact, encouraged his actions somewhat. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. Off they went to one of the restrooms for a secret “quickie.”

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed…she was quite curious as to what kind of explanation he might have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, “Oh, you know, the same old thing. I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Well, did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you Sweetheart, I never even danced once. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some of the other guys…we just went into the den and played poker all evening.”

“Oh, Really?” commented the wife.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I will tell you one thing… the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!”

Microsoft Responds to Government Pressure

In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. “It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”.

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by “Q4 1999 at latest”, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had “willingly and enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as “a relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”. Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in
his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as “silly”, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be abolished. “Microsoft isn’t a democracy”, he observed, “and look how well we’re doing”. When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, “We don’t deny that discussions are taking place”. Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

Microsoft (“MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

New Barbie doll

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the “Hacker Barbie.” These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie’s very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA’s “In a Nutshell” series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as “IP address,” “TCP/IP,” “kernel,” “NP-complete,” and “Alpha AXP’s.”

“We are very excited about this product,” said John Olson, Marketting Executive, “and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie.” A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, “Math is hard,” with
condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie’s Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, “I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken’s hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses.” Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. “My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days,” says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, “and as y’all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain’t got no idea how she duz it, but she surely duz it. I jus don’t wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama.” Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. “Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail” will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while “BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!” will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

Training

To: Employees
From: Management

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from the employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our new program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can possibly handle.

Employees who don’t take S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. any more, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thanks,

Your Boss In General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

A more modern version of the binding of Isaac

And it came to pass after these things that G-d did test Avraham. And He said to him “Avraham!”

And Avraham replied “Hineni – here I am.”

And He said, “Take your computer, your old computer, your 286, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 95, which I will show to you.”

And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where G-d had told him,
there to find Windows 95.

Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286, and come again to you.”

And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.

And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, “My father.”

And he replied, “Hineni – Here I am, my son.” And Yitzchak said, “Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?”

And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said:

“Fear not, Yitzchak my son, . . . . G-d will provide the RAM.”

Dealing with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died… ” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your “problems.”

3. If they say they’re Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you’re male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter & Siegel services…” You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds’ pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] “What are you wearing?” Telemarketer: [Click.]

5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?” Alternate: “Sorry, my floor is made of stone.”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh”, “Really” or “How fascinating”. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn’t just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from WaterTronics.”
You: “WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh…Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather?!?”
Telemarketer: “Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.”
You: “Oh, okay. Bye!”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout or scream “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up. { I would throw some pots down before hanging up. }

12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you’ll call them back. Telemarketer will say “We’re not allowed to give out our number”. You say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at work, right?”. Telemarketer will agree. You say “Now you know how I feel!” Hang-up.

Of course you could say “Please Hold” speaker with the volume turned WAY UP!

Only in the U.S. Legal System

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!