Golfing Accident

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

The Rake

There’s this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower….so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, “Where’s the rake?” She
can’t hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.

“What?” she yells.

So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally
aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.

“What did you say?”

She says, “I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush.”

You Might Be a Teacher If…

Something to be shared by educators and/or their spouses.

You might be a teacher if…

  • You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.
  • You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
  • You believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.
  • When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
  • When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.
  • You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
  • You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
  • You can’t have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
  • Meeting a child’s parents INSTANTLY answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”

Date: Fri, 13 Mar 1998 13:40:21 -0500

A Cool Contest

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.

After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on, just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.

Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked his mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.

The judge was clearly impressed, and after just a few moments declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

The Princess

Once upon a time, there lived a princess who was horribly ugly. No local noble would even look at her, much less ask for her hand in marriage.

One day, her father the king heard of a magical mud that, when applied to one’s face, makes one beautiful. Thinking his problems are solved, he sends one of his knights out to get some.

The knight rides out to the forest where the mud is, but halfway there some huge yellow fingers rise up from the ground, pull him under, and no one ever sees him again.

After going a few days without word from the first knight, the king sends out another to look for the first and, while he’s at it, get the magic mud. The second knight rides the same way the first one did, but the same yellow fingers grab him as well.

Now, the king is getting concerned, what with going through two of his knights without getting any results. He decides to send two page boys put to get the mud, ostensibly as a test of their worthiness.

The page boys walk the same trail the two knights took, reach the forest, get some of the magic mud, and give it to the princess who uses it becomes beautiful, and all concerned live happily ever after.

The moral of the story?

Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Amish Scandal!

Caught On Tape!

Amish Computer Scandal Shocks Community.

BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of downloading email when the raid took place. Most of the computer equipment taken was apparently purchased at Pagan Electronic swap meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their Amishness.

The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web page.

The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. “They were such good people,” said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. “They are leaders in our little church even. But now this” Her husband, Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. “Whenever I would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot.”

The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished.

“These are not real computers,” claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. “We never even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter churn.”

Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice, Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness.

“I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!”

They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic, where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to technology. When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.

Puns Galore

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bag boy goes, “But I’ve been working here for 5 years, why can’t I run the juice machines?” The manager goes, “I’m sorry, but BAGGERS CAN’T BE JUICERS.”

Peek-A-Boo Street, the Olympic Gold Medalist in Skiing, has made quite a name for herself since her initial assault for the Gold in Lillehammer. Thru endoresments and other perks, she has amassed a tidy sum for a young lady. In her quest for sharing her good fortune with people in her community, and, because she had spent so much time in the local hospital with multiple suguries for knee injuries, she donated a sizable amount of money to said hospital to be used at their discretion. In need of better facilities in their Intensive Care Unit, the hospital put her money in a new area now known as the Peek-A-Boo I. C. U.

It was a warm Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury’s verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family’s evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as
soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff’s request because, she insisted, “HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK.”

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?” “That it is,” Mike replied grimly, “ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball.” “You mean you pinched his honor?” asked Pat. “How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume.” demanded Mike. “Well,” mused Pat, “tis life and there’s a lesson in this somewhere.” “That there is,” replied Mike. “TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER.”

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts. He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date. Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.

Break It To Me Gently

Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John’s whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn’t do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.

Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.

On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracile was and Richard told him. “Gracile is dead”!! Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.

When he recovered he said to Richard, “that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn’t you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well she’s OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she’s at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.

“Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.”

John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, “oh, by the way, how’s Mother?”

Richard then said, “well, John, she’s OK, but she’s on the roof!!”

Poor Baby

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

The Extortionist

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you start that in here,” the priest says.