Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?

Bras

A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk

“Type?” inquires the man “There is more than one type?”

“There are three types.” replies the clerk “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man ask “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Stingy Old Lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Beware of This Software

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of these particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before.) During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
– – – A “Don’t remind me again” button.
– – – Minimize button.
– – – An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long-standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the
versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You’d think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work
very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************

To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

As a co-worker of mine said, “This is a good argument for installing Monk v. 1.5.”

IQ Check

READ this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now, count aloud the F’s in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. See below… Answer below.

ANSWER:

There are six F’s in the sentence.

One of average intelligence finds three of them.

If you spotted four, you’re above average.

If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.

If you caught six, you are a genius.

There is no catch. Many people forget to count the F in the word “OF.” The human brain tends to see them as “V’s” instead of “F’s.”

How to Fix your Mouse

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

Cultural Differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a “menage a trois”

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it’s not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don’t remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren’t getting any…

Lies

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. “Nothing much Pastor.” replied the one lad. “We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.”

“Boys! Boys! Boys!” he intoned. “I’m shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all.”

They all replied, pretty much in unison, “You win Pastor !”

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

Date: Tue, 21 Apr 1998 12:51:45 -0500

Children

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing God said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit”, said God.

“Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?” Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

“It’s over there,” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you do it?” God asked exasperatedly.

“I dunno,” Adam answered.

God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.