Sexual Ages

The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?

The Ages of Man:

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly

IRS

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,” I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,” what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied,” I work for the IRS.”

Religious Jokes

#1) An angry mob has surrounded a prostitute and is preparing to stone her. Jesus steps up and says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly a woman rushes up and smashes a huge stone on the prostitutes head. Jesus looks at the woman and says “You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off.”

#2) A man goes to Easter Sunday mass with his wife and proceeds to fall asleep during the sermon. The priest asks “Who is the father of us all?” His wife takes a needle out of her pocketbook and stabs him in the leg, “God Almighty”, the man exclaims. The priest says “Right you are,” and asks, “And who was his only son?”. The man’s wife stabs him with the needle again, “Jesus Christ”, he yells. The priest says, “Right again.” The man nods off again and the priest asks “What did Eve say to Adam after having their thirteenth child?” The man’s wife stabs him really hard with the needle and he yells out “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll wrap it around your neck!”

Pastoral Search

PROGRESS REPORT: PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following notes have been assembled as to progress to date. They are confidential information and shared here for your perusal.

To date, of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities to serve our congregation in the office of Senior Pastor.

The following list contains the names of the candidates and findings on each.

NOAH: He is observed to have 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

MOSES: It is believed that he committed murder. He stutters. His former congregation reported that he loses his temper over trivial things.

ABRAHAM: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

DAVID: He is of unacceptable moral character with adultery on his record. There is an allegation of conspiracy to commit murder but this is unproven. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen.’

SOLOMON: He has an honorable reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

ELIJAH: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

HOSEA: His family life is in shambles; divorced and remarried to a practitioner of a pagan religion who may even be a prostitute.

JEREMIAH: He is too emotional, an alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck.’

AMOS: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper due to his non-standard food requirements.

PETER: Has a bad temper and is believed to have denied Christ publicly, maybe more than once.

PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible and his sermons are far too long.

TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.

JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Pastoral Search Committee chairman

Remember When

Computer was something on tv
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean….
And ram was the cousin of a goat…..

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a tv show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A cd was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2′ floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead …..

Frog Princess

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be
your loving companion for an entire week.”

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Major Motivator

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”

“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”

“No.”

“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

“Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

You are an Internet Addict when…

You are an Internet Addict when…

  1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
  3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
  4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
  5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  6. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
  7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
  8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  11. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  12. Your dog has its own home page.
  13. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
  14. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
  16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  17. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
  19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  20. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.
  21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  22. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
  23. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.”
  24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
  25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
  26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 13:53:48 -0500

What to Wear

A man, called in for an audit by the Internal Revenue Service, (American taxation department) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.”

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

Federation Redneck Quiz

You might be a Federation Redneck if…

….he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster.”

….he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

….he paints the starship John Deere green.

….he refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special.

….he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp.”

….his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

….his idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

….he wears mirrored shades on the bridge.

….his idea of a “gas giant,” is that big ol’ Number One “Bubba” after a meal of beans and weenies.

….he sets his phaser to “Cajun.”

….he yells “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage.”

….he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

….he insists on calling his Number One “Bubba” of “Hoss.”

….he refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns.”

….he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

….he has the shuttlecraft up on blocks for over a month.

….he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

….he names one of the shutttlecraft “Billy Joe Bob.”

….he refers to Klingons as “Critters.”

….he installs a set of bull horns on the front of the saucer section.

….he says “got your ears on, good buddy,” instead of “open hailing frequency.”

….he hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.

….he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

….he keeps a six-pack under his command chair, and a gun rack above it.