Clinton & the Pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later, Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill.

“Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

Hokieland Residency Application

Last Name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box):

(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy

Age: ____, if known
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (phonetic spellings available)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
(_) Livestock

Number of children living in household (If you can count) : ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________

Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Relation of mother to father: _________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Does it have wheels? (_)
How many tornadoes has it been through? (_)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of shirts you own. (1) (2)
Number of shirts that are tank tops with motorcycles on them(_)

What does your foam hat say?
(_) “John Deer”
(_) “If I have anything to say to you I’ll fart”
(_) “I own a chevy truck”
(_) “Old Fart’s Wife”
(_) no longer readable due to filth
(_) you don’t know because you can’t read

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
____ church benches (for when father speaks of the sins of incest)

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
How many deer have you struck with it? (_)

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Have you been struck by lightning? (_)
How many times? (_)
While carrying a firearm? (_)

What flavors of aqua velva does the local bar serve on tap?
(_) springtime blue
(_) musk
(_) seaside green

How many of your family members are cross eyed? (__), (_)all.

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) Hustler
(_) Soldier of Fortune
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve shot at Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of consecutive sober days (0,1,2,3, can’t remember)

Do you bathe? (_)Yes (_)No (_)Don’t recall

If so, how often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don’t know

Satisfaction…..

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, phone, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 13:13:43 -0500

Hurting all over

A young woman said to her doctor, “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”

“What do you mean?” said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”

Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even THAT hurts.”

The doctor asked the woman, “Are you a natural blonde?”

“Why yes,” she said.

“I thought so,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”

Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 13:13:28 -0500

Airline Humor

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream and we’re gonna get ourselves killed!”

Join the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will Follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well”, says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances”, they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Scuba Diving

Mr. Wilkens’ wife was lost at sea while scuba diving. Late in the evening of the search’s second day, he answered the door and was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well . . . tell me!” he demanded.

One officer said, “We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Well, give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife’s body this morning in Puget Sound.”

“OH MY GOD!” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“Huh?” said Wilkens, not understanding. “So, what’s the great news?”

The policeman smiled, leaned closer, and whispered, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

Day Off

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at exactly what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours per day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend two days per year on sick leave; this leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 day available for work. And I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off !!!

Who’s On First – Star Trek Style

Kirk – Ah… hello Mister Spock.
Spock – Good day, Captain.
Kirk – Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock – Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the ‘s**t out of’ the object amidst loud verbalisations of ‘Hurrah’ and ‘Kock ’em on their a**.’ Is this correct?
Kirk – Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock – Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history… perhaps I may be of assistance.
Kirk – That’s the idea.
Spock – Very well… proceed.
Kirk – Alright… Who’s on first.
Spock – I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk – So?
Spock – Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.
Kirk – No… Who’s on first.
Spock – I do not know.
Kirk – No… he’s third base.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – No… he’s first base.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – Correct.
Spock – Who is correct?
Kirk – Sometimes.
Spock – Who is sometimes?
Kirk – No… Who is first baseman. I’m not familiar with Sometimes’ identity.
Spock – Who’s identity?
Kirk – No… him I know… he’s first baseman.
Spock – Who is?
Kirk – Right.
Spock – Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk – What.
Spock – I said the second baseman.
Kirk – What.
Spock – This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked… who is the second baseman?
Kirk – No… you didn’t ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock – I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy – Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock – Forgive me Doctor… I am not a comedian.
McCoy – Obviously.
Spock – That much is certain.
McCoy – Just get back to the skit.
Spock – Very well. Captain… I ask you… politely… who is the second baseman?
Kirk – No… Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock – That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. ‘Who is the second baseman,’ not ‘what is the second baseman.’
Kirk – Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.
Spock – That statement is most illogical.
Kirk – Okay… wait a minute. We’ll get Scotty… he’s Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott…
Scott – Aye, Cap’n?
Kirk – Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott – Aye, Cap’n. It ain’t never been any other way!
Kirk – You see, Spock?
Spock – Yes… Mister Scott seems to know the material well.
Alright, Mister Scott… who is the second baseman?
Scott – Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you’re talking about!
Spock – I know that be what… er… is what I’m talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.
Scott – Ach! Don’t bring track inta this! That be a bloomin’ field event!
Spock – What has this got to do with field events?
Scott – Ach! No! What’s the second baseman!
Spock – Again, I note that a person should be referred to as ‘who’ and not ‘what’ Mister Scott.
Scott – Only if he’s tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock – What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott – Ach! No! What’s a real bright fella!
Spock – Who is a ‘real bright fella’ Mister Scott?
Scott – No! Who… now he’s a real dope, sir!
Spock – Who is?
Scott – Right!
Spock – You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott – Aye, sir.
Spock – Sir… this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.
Kirk – No… Who’s the first baseman.
Spock – Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk – Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait… I don’t remember a Whoever on the team…