A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, “That’s once.”

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”

After a little while, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”

The farmer said, “That’s once.”

There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer’s daughter at the house.

The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.

Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn’t out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.

Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.

The other brother came running out of his room and said, “What happened?”

The farmer said, “I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, “I laid the old lady, too,” so I shot him.

In case you have not heard of this yet, the state of Michigan sent this letter to a person who owns the land that some beavers have built a dam on a pond. Just read the reply letter, it’s a classic!

STATE OF MICHIGAN
Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE
OFFICE BUILDING
6TH FLOOR
350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mius/
RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director
December 17, 1997
CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and WaterManagement Division

—-Reply Letter—-

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan – I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is – aren’t the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation – so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream restored” to a dam free-flow condition – contact the dam beavers – but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) – be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers – be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State – I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy – or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedten
xc: PETA
Feel free to pass this onto your networks.

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, “How many ducks are there boy?”

The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.

“That was unbelievable, can he do it again?” Bill asked.

“Sure,” responded Bob, “How many ducks are there boy?”

The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.

“I have to have that dog,” Bill said, “I’ll give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs.”

They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, “How many ducks are there boy?”

The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife’s leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. “Bob gypped the hell out of you,” his wife said. “You are such a fool.”

Bill protested, “But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?”

Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife’s leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. “Well, shit” Bill said, “This dog is useless.” In a fit of rage he shot the dog.

Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.

After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried “YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could fucking shake a stick at.”