The Butler Did It

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people.

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear “Take off my dress”.

“Now take off my bra.”

“Next remove my shoes and stockings.”

“Now remove my garter belt and panties”

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted “The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you’re fired”.

King George’s Response

Letter to Thomas Jefferson

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals.
If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to
alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives?
What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement
of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on.
How cost- effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided
the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown

Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 14:41:21 -0500

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble…

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou suck!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
And the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble…

1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 13:17:50 -0500

Ice Cream and Cars

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts …

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

“This is the second time I have written you, and I don’t blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we’ve eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It’s also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won’t start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I’m serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: ‘What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'”

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn’t start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man’s car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn’t start when it took less time. Once time became the problem — not the vanilla ice cream — the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

Jumbo Jettisoned

Claim: A zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany was killed by an elephant defecating onto him.

Status: False.

Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1998]

PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly — and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

“The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

“With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.

“It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes — a billion-to-one shot, at least.”

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn’t seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.

“Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant,” assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled.

“He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema.

“I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control.”

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down.

“I had never really thought about it before,” Det. Dern said. “But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity — and not something that should be attempted alone.”

Origins: This entertaining “news item” appeared in the Weekly World News, a publication not known for its overly high journalistic standards. Stories invented of whole cloth have previously appeared in its pages, and this latest pachyderm tale is but another of that ilk.

Photo or not, the story is a fake. There is no zoo in Paderborn, Germany, and a check of that town’s phone book fails to reveal listings for either the victim Riesfeldt or detective Erik Dern. Moreover, no reputable news agency carried the story of the unfortunate Friedrich Riesfeldt’s demise.

Even without knowing there’s no zoo in Paderborn, this story should leap off the page as something that has to be untrue. The key fact this tale swings on is Riesfeldt’s foolhardy yet somewhat successful single-handed attempt to irrigate Stefan’s posterior. No creature willingly submits to an enema. A lone zookeeper attempting to administer one to an elephant wouldn’t get very far; the animal would easily brush him aside.

The photograph supplied by the Weekly World News is clearly a fake. The posture of the elephant makes one think of a circus animal with the stand it was posed on airbrushed out, but more telling is the lack of enema implements in the shot. If Riesfeldt had truly been overcome by a sudden dam burst of excretia, then where are the tools he was using? Where’s the tubing and the source of water?

Another look at the photo confirms this shot was taken either during daylight hours or in a well-lit circus tent, certainly not out in a field after sunset. Going back to the Weekly World News story, Riesfeldt’s body was discovered by the night watchman two hours after the fateful final conversation with another co-worker in which Riesfeldt announced he was staying late to irrigate the elephant. I am reliably informed elephants do not cast shadows at night.

Men vs. Dogs

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
Dogs don’t criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you–except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don’t shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short… It’s fun to dry off a wet man!!

Hillary’s Annual Checkup

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said: “Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!”

The President remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!”

Finally Bill answered, “Who is this???”

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 13:42:35 -0500

Farmer and His Wife

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the old open cockpit airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. “$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 13:42:35 -0500

Visiting Washington DC

A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can’t find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

“Excuse me, officer,” the blonde says, “how do I get to the Capitol building?”

The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”

The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer gets out of his car and says, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 13:42:35 -0500