Q: What does the following encrypted message say?
umop apisdn we I
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The answer is:
I am upside down
The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients for them to operate on:
The first surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds: “Try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says: “No, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon intercedes. “I like construction workers… they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when it takes longer than you expect.”
To which the fifth surgeon says: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest. There’s no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable.
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 16:58:56 -0500
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME __________ DATE OF BIRTH __________
2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q __________ G.P.A. __________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY ______-____-________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK __________
5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________________________________
CITY/STATE __________ ZIP __________
6.Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Y / N
If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married __________
8. Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? (If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises) __________
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!” mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend? __________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _____________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________
c) A woman’s place is in the __________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with ‘T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN AND TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means your name, moron) ______________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?
__________ Yes, please accept my application
__________ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house…
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes you’re in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.
“I do”, replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well”, says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below says “You must be in Upper Management in some business.”
“I am”, replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’ puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.
Stopping at a Green Light Can Be A Holy Experience
The other day I went to my local religious bookstore where I saw one of those HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper stickers. I bought it and right away put it on the back of my car, and I’m so glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
It all started when I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed.
The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots and lots of people who must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled “Jesus Christ” as loud as he could. It was like a football game, him shouting and all of that. I could just picture him yellin “Go, Jesus, go!”
And everybody else started honking, too. So, I leaned out the window, like lots of them were doing, and waved and smiled at all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida there, because I could hear him yellin something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving a funny way with only his middle finger in the air.
I asked my kids what that might be. They kinds skirmed a little, looked at each other, giggled and told me that that was the Hawaian good luck sign.
Several cars behind me, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well but it sounded like “Mother Tucker” or somethin. Obviously, he really loved the Lord, too.
And then some people got so caught up in the joy of the moment that the got out of there cars and started walking toward me. I figured they wanted to pray, but just then the light changed so I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, `cause I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big godly smile and held up the Hawaian good luck sign as I drove away.
I say praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. . . .
Truly, it is a devout community and it’s a wonderous thing that such outpouring of piety can be obtained for the modest price of a bumper sticker.
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he’d have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
“What’s the matter?” asked the trainer, “you were doing great!”
“Yeah, well how would you feel” replied the horse, “if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted ‘they’re off!’?”
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path… so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren’t at home.
The father told the mother, “If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest – but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they’d be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I ever imagined…”
“What do you mean?” his wife inquired.
“Our son is going to be a politician!” replied the concerned father.
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 15:27:51 -0500
Some late breaking health news from Reuters (this one is true):
Thursday July 16 6:43 PM EDT
Device reduces flatulence odor
Activated charcoal can help people who suffer from flatulence by absorbing offensive odors, according to US researchers.
The device, known as the “Toot Trapper” eliminated over 90% of the odor generated by study volunteers whose diets had been supplemented with pinto beans and lactulose, which enhance flatus output and produces the gas hydrogen sulphide.
Hydrogen sulphide is one of several sulphur-containing gases that have been found to cause the odor associated with flatulence.
“The charcoal-lined cushion effectively limits the escape of these sulphur-containing gases into the environment,” write F.L. Suarez and colleagues of the Minneapolis Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Minnesota, in a report in the journal Gut, published by the British Medical Association.
Study subjects ate 200 grams of pinto beans on the night before the study plus 15 grams of lactulose 2 hours before gas collections. Researchers collected flatus via rectal tubes from 16 healthy subjects age 18 to 47 with no history of gastrointestinal disease or antibiotic use (which can disrupt gut bacteria) for the preceding 3 months.
The concentrations of sulphur-containing gases were correlated with odor intensity assessed by two judges. Odor intensity was also determined after treatment of flatus samples with zinc acetate or activated charcoal. Gas tight pantaloons were also used in the study to assess the ability of a
charcoal-lined cushion to absorb sulphur-containing gases. Study results showed that the main sulphur-containing gas was indeed hydrogen sulphide, and that the strength of odor correlated with hydrogen
sulfide concentration.
Zinc acetate was found to reduce sulphur gas content, but the researchers found that activated charcoal was more effective in eliminating odor caused by the gas.
“The demonstration that activated charcoal and zinc remove sulphur gases and eliminate the offensive odour of flatus suggests that these products, used either internally or externally (around the anus), could have therapeutic potential for individuals suffering from excessive offensive rectal gas,” the authors conclude.
According to the report, the Toot Trapper, a foam cushion with a coating of charcoal on one side, is manufactured by UltraTech Products, based in Houston, Texas.
The researchers also report that women have a higher concentration of hydrogen sulphide in flatus “and a greater odour intensity” than men. “However, men tended to pass higher volumes of gas than did women. As a result, the volume of sulphur gases (in flatus)… did not differ between men and women,” they note. SOURCE: Gut 1998;43:100-104.
