A fellow walks into his doctor’s office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self diagnosis.

“I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you” said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says “Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit.”

Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy’s ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.

“Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm” advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. The doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up the patients ass.

“Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie” says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head. Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says “Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer.”

“Not a cookie?” asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. “Nope, a hammer” confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says “Okay, you know the routine”. So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.

Then a little head pokes out the patients ass.”WHERE’S MY COOKIE?”

*********WHAM*********

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replased with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”. During ze fifz year ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining”ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rockin’ bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said ‘Take what you want.'”

The second engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Now don’t cheat!

FIRST, use a clean piece of paper. THIS IS QUITE INTERESTING!

So, don’t cheat and be a schmuck and scroll on down without getting a piece of paper and a pen and following the instructions.

OK?

On a blank piece of paper draw a pig (yes, the animal). Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!! Draw your pig first!

And don’t look at the next part until you are done. It won’t be fun if you look first.

do not look

!!

ARE YOU CHEATING???????

do not look

*****************************************************************

The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the artist.

If the pig is drawn:

1) Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
2) Toward the middle, you are a realist.
3) Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
——————
1) Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly,and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)
2) Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don’t have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
3) Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil’s advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
——————
1) With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
2) With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little about details and are a risk taker.
——————
1) With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
2) With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
——————
1) The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.
—————–
1) The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life! (Again, bigger is better…and what about those curls?!!)

******************************************************************

So what do you think? Close?

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk—–dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.”

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

—Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three- ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

—Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

—Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

—Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

—Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

—Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

—Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.